Regret...

Ah blah, blah, blah...

What to do, what to do?

Well, I've got no idea...so any ideas, let me know.

Listening to some music to keep myself chill and under control.
Today has just been an off day.
Considering how the past few days of been it shouldn't really be a surprise.

I don't know what to write, what to do, what to play, what to listen to, what to read...
I just don't know what to do.

I just want to break down.. but I can't.
I always seem to feel it at the wrong time, or just can't get myself to let go.
So I flood myself with music and occupy myself with things..

Never focusing on what I'm thinking or how I feel..
So I can keep control.

I'm afraid to break...
If I break what else will crumble down around me?...
I keep Mrs.Z. together... I keep little sister calm.
When everyone else is screaming and out of control I'm there to calm them down and comfort them.

It's like what happened when Gypsy was run over....
Little sister was in crying, screaming hysterics..
Mrs.Z. was crying and repeatedly saying "fuckers."

While all I could do was bite my tongue and keep the calm... I couldn't break down.
Then everyone would basically just fall.

I have to be the one to catch them..I can't let them down..
It's been drilled into me for years that I have to take care of them.
They need me together, not broken apart...

Sure, after Mrs.Z. was at the store and little sister was asleep.

I couldn't help but cry.. all I could do was say I'm sorry.. for not finding you sooner..
I'm sorry for not being there for you..

I'm so sorry I didn't save you..

I should've been there for you.. and I failed.. I failed you, and I failed everyone else..
I tried to find you.. I just didn't do it soon enough..

I'm sorry...