Learning to be Me

Why is it easier to write in a book that no one ever reads?
Because it’s easier to pretend you’re talking to someone than it is to actually spill out your soul to someone.
Talking about yourself, it’s a pain in the ass. Unless you’re one of those weird ass people who are obsessed with themselves and thinks everyone loves you, when instead they actually just get really fucking ticked off around you.
Explaining your thoughts, and feelings, it’s hard to open up and do that.
At least it is for me, I’ve been trying to learn how to just stop being an emotional wall.
People don’t understand why I am the way I am, and I can’t really explain it to them.

How do you explain something that they haven’t experienced or you’re not sure how to explain?
How can you tell them that you’re like this because of what others have done, so you learned how to protect yourself?
I’ve tried explaining before, and normally people just tell me the past is the past and that I need to stop worrying about people hurting me, or worrying about people being stupid.
They don’t understand.

Maybe that works for them, maybe they haven’t had a lot of people hurt them.
Forgive and forget they say, but some things you can’t forget and some things you can only partially forgive.
I guess I’m one of the people that will always remember, I’ve always been able to remember weird things or things I shouldn’t be able to remember I do.
Probably not a fantastic thing, but I can’t exactly help it.
I don’t automatically expect everyone to hurt me, be stupid, or just an ass.
But I can’t help be wary.
Let’s just say it’s a survival thing, because if I was always a bundle of joy expecting the best out of everyone, then I would’ve been crushed a long time ago.
Hell, maybe some of me was and that’s why I am who I am now.
But I don’t regret it, maybe some small parts.

At least it’s helping me become the person I’m hopefully supposed to be.
Maybe, just who I want to be.

-Victoria

Thinking too much? Who me? Naah.

Damn right.

Okay, so maybe I think too much...
Fine I do think too much, waaay too much.
I worry and over-think pretty much everything, and fuck me does it get annoying.

Sooo over the past weekend we went to my Aunt's (long, long ass drive) we left Saturday morning. Stayed until Monday.
Saw The Vow and The Grey.
Both were interestting movies...The Grey we saw first and it was a long movie. Longer than we all expected, some of the scenes made everyone jump but then we'd laugh at ourselves.
The ending was a bit disappointing, I think it could have ended a bit better but oh well, it wasn't my movie.
The Vow, it was a very sweet story, if you didn't know it was based on true events and all that so that made it all the sadder and sweeter.
Romance movies aren't really my thing though, I mean sometimes they're really good but then other times they just piss me off.
But that was one I didn't mind all too much.

But one thing I'm glad about The Vow was the fact that it got Mrs.B. seriously thinking about sending me to an Art Institute, so yay!
But........
The closest A.I. is about two hours away.
And the city is kind of dangerous, I mean what place isn't? But that place especially, I mean Houston is... a one of a kind place I suppose.
I'm sure I'll be fine, but like I said I think too much and worry too much.
So what am I doing?
Worrying and trying to over-analyze and think about every goddamn possibility, which is damn near impossible to do.
Obviously I'm trying to do it anyway, I just can't help it.

I need to relax butttttt...That's not happening.
I'm ready for shit to get going but I'm scared of things at the same time.
I'm not really scared to be on my own, but I am worried about failing.

Blah blah blah...On to something else.

I've been playing Skyrim a lot more, especially since Mr.A. has been gone.
I still love the graphics, the quests, I pretty much just love the game.
It was definitely worth the wait.
I haven't been playing Minecraft as much lately... I just haven't had any inspiration as to what I should do on the game.

I've been trying to get back into writing again, as you can see.

Haven't been sleeping well for a while now, I keep having odd dreams again but once I wake up they fade and then I'm not even really sure I had a dream.
But then I get glimpses and it becomes obvious that I did.
I wish I could remember them better though, the whole foggy faces and people either talking to me or trying to find me is kind of creepy.

I don't know... I just haven't really been sure what to do lately.
Besides chores I've just been trying to keep myself occupied.
I'm still working on the Anita Blake vampire hunter novels, I'm on book sixteen I believe.
I've slowed down on reading them because of Skyrim and sometimes I just need a break from reading or it just doesn't strike me as appealing at the time.

I just feel really weird lately...

Stuff About Me

So,
When I first made my "Stuff about me" post, I was just fucking around and wasn't really caring what I put.
Soooo... 


I've decided to redo it. (Honestly I'll probably end up redoing this a lot of times.)

I'm complicated, and have a VERY perverted sense of humor.

I don't like people being dickheads for no reason, but who does?

I don't enjoy shopping, it's just one of Life's necessary evils.

Super preppy, happy, overly joyous people can get on my nerves.

Especially if it's early in the morning, I mean who the fuck is happy early in the morning?
Preppy people, that's who!

I love writing, it keeps me sane.
Wait...
What the fuck am I saying?
I'm already crazy but it keeps me from randomly punching people in the face.
Yeah that works.

I'm not a violent person, I swear!
I just don't like it when people are:

Stupid and don't realize it.

A complete bitch for no reason.

Just a major asshole in general.

SUPERDUPER preppy in the morning. (Pretty sure we covered that already)

And many other things that I'll end up listing later probably.

I'm not a morning person, I mean I don't completely rage in the morning.
But until I've woken up, I don't want a bunch of super loud overly happy morning birds chirping away at me.
Basically I need a shirt or a hat that says "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE....At least until 10 am."

I have sleeping issues.
They've gotten worse over the years.
I'm a light sleeper normally, that is if I sleep.
Otherwise I'm either staying up writing or playing some type of game like Minecraft, Skyrim.
Whatever I'm in the mood for I guess.

I have a lot of weird ass dreams, some dreams are so fucked up I write them down when I wake up from them.
Most of my dreams people are trying to kill me or something.
Last dream I had there was a Zombie apocalypse going on, I never thought I'd dream of that to be honest.
People tried to throw me off a bridge, that's when I woke up.

Badass dreams right?

Oh and in case you haven't realized it yet, I'm Awesome.
A lot of times I'm so Awesome, people can't handle it.

Crazy right?

But yeah, I'm a pretty quiet person, and shy.
I guess it's weird to be a complete perv and shy at the same time, but somehow I pull it off.

I've had a really fucked up past so sometimes I get down right gloomy, but who doesn't?
Sometimes I think I should write a story about my life, but right now I just don't have the "balls" to do it.

I'll do it one day though...
Gotta get that shit out sometime.

So I guess since I've mentioned things I don't like, I should mention things I do like.

Baby Animals, who doesn't like them?

Kittens, because they're fluffy and adorable and tiny and just instantly awesome.

Puppies, because they can act like complete idiots but still be oh so darn cute.

Turtles, everyone loves turtels. (Yes I spelled it like that on purpose)


Movie Madness,

Apocalypto, just because it's a good movie in my opinion.

10,000 B.C. because I liked the story.

Finding Nemo, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...

The Lion King, Disney classic.

Pocahontas, because she's awesome.

BraveHeart, I love the story.

Dances with Wolves, also love the story.

A Walk to Remember, pissed me off and made me cry, loved the story though.

Zombieland, because if I had to survive a zombie apocalypse that would be a pretty cool way to do it.

Love Disney movies.

Tangled, is a new favorite of mine. Because it makes me laugh and I thought it would suck but it didn't which surprised me.

And can't forget,
James Cameron's Avatar.

Okay enough movies...

Time for Books.

The Earth's Children series by Jean M. Auel. (her books are what got me hooked to reading.)
She who Remembers by Linda Lay Shuler. (Loved the series) 

Eragon series. (still have to read the fourth book) (ALSO the movie sucked)

Warriors by Erin Hunter. (childish I guess)

The Tree People by Naomi M. Stokes. (Interesting story with sad facts)

Guilty Pleasures by Laurell K. Hamilton. (Love the Wereanimals and Vampires, plus she's a badass)

Marley and Me by John Grogan. (Reminded me of my sister's troublesome dog)

Dream Weaver by Penina Keen Spinka. (I want to read the whole series one day)

The Reindeer Hunters, The Horsemasters, and Daughter of the Red Deer by Joan Wolf.
(Interesting reads)

And I like many other books, but honestly I've read too many to list them all.
I still need to read the LOTR series, working on The Hobbit.
So long waay to go.

Now for the all important Games list!

Skyrim, (Love it)

Oblivion, (Favorite game before Skyrim)

Minecraft, (because I love being creative and used to be in love with Legos)

Tales of Vesperia and Tales of Symphonia.

Pure. (Love pulling off a special trick right before the gas runs out and taking first place)


Soo...
I think that's enough likes and such.

Ohhhh...
But I am a big music fan, trance, techno, rock, a mix of this and that.
I like pretty much everything but I'm not really into gospel or jazz or superduper religious music....


But basically I'm a crazy bitch, who's probably more complicated than a puzzle box on steroids.

Rambling on.

Trapped in your own life by the circle of repeat-ion.
Same things over and over, just a different day.

They blend and hardly ever change.
It makes the time's pass almost unnoticeable, but at the same time unbearable.
The things around you, that you love, yet keep you trapped.
You can't seem to set yourself free or pull yourself loose.
You just want to pack your bag and walk.
Just for a break, a bit of change, something different...
You're tired of the blending and the unchanging.

My ex, Joe.
He doesn't like change, he despises it in fact.
He doesn't realize that people have to change to live, to survive.
It's necessary, needed, and eventually unpreventable.
He's changed, he probably doesn't realize it.
But I do, I've changed.
I know I've changed a lot over the years..
And I'll continue you to change, hopefully for the better.
Sure right now, I'm stuck in a rut.
Nothing seemingly is different from the past week, month, year.
But eventually, something's going to happen.
It just takes being able to survive the slow pace of it, being able to wait it out.

Then you once things differ from how they usually are, you have to be able to survive THAT change.
Life isn't easy and it's not meant to be.
One of my favorite sayings.
Life's a bitch because if it was easy, it'd be a slut.

It's not always easy to remember those things, but you've got to try and remind yourself.

You have to realize what you need to do to keep going, because other people can only do so much for you.
In the end, it's all you.
You.
Have to keep yourself going.
You.
Have to tell yourself to keep your head up and to stay strong.

No it's not easy, it never will be.
But it's not impossible to do.

It just takes doing it.
There is always going to be some type of bump in the road that makes you grit your teeth and wonder why there's a fucking rock in your way.
But you'll eventually figure it out and move on your way.

I might repeat, I might ramble, but sometimes that's what it takes.
You know?
Sometimes it takes reminding yourself or others than you can do it, you can get past it.
You can keep moving on.
It's hard, but do-able.
Don't give up just because you feel like there's no point.
Sure, there might not seem to be anything worth it right then.
But that's not your entire life, that's just then.

That moment, what about tomorrow?
A week, month, or year from now?
There's not telling where you could be then.

Well!

Things to figure out:

What my dreams are now, since I seem to have lost my original ones.

Try and figure out why I've forgotten those dreams...

What do I want to do today?

Tomorrow?

Years from now?

That's a good thing to work on... not a fun thing, but something that has to be done anyway.

Why do we have to plan our lives so much ?

What happened to living day by day... now most people plan by the years instead of by days, weeks, or months.

How do they know exactly what they'll be doing in 2-3 years?

I know I don't know what I'll be doing... Sure I have an idea?

But I can't be positive that's exactly what is going to be going on.

I mean, can people see into the future now and I didn't know about it? o.o

Maybe people have finally figured out how to travel through time, so that's how they know exactly what they'll be doing in a few years?!

Alright, so my ideas are a little crazy...

But at least I don't plan my every step from today to 10 years from now.

I don't think that's the way life should be lived.

Life is like an ocean, the currents constantly changing direction, storms pop up out of nowhere, it's constantly changing you can't prevent a hurricane just because it doesn't fit in with your schedule.

Now can you?

No?
Didn't think so.