Lost

Feeling lost.
We all feel it, sometime in our lives.
Sometimes more than others.
The world is such a crazy place and sometimes you just stop.
Thinking about everything that's happened or is supposed to happen, should happen, might happen... The list goes on.
It's such an overwhelming feeling.

You can't be sure of anything so everything seems out of place, you aren't sure what you want to do. But so many things or people are making you feel like you have to do something.
Rushing you into things or away from things.
Sometimes you need to just get away from it, but how can you run from your own mind?
Pretending it's not there won't make it go away and it's definitely not going anywhere.
It gets harder to focus and thinking on something for too long is out of the question.
Or else the feelings just get worse...
But you can't stop yourself from thinking.

Trying to figure out what to do or what's coming is like trying to walk on water.
You just sputter and try and keep yourself afloat.
Honestly a rock to hold onto would be nice but sometimes you don't have that option...
So you get oh so tired of swimming.
But floating along is all you can do at the moment sometimes.

Thinking..
Wondering..
Waiting.

What's going to happen next and am I ready for it?

I wrote this because I get this feeling a lot, it never quite goes away.

Emotion commotionnnnn.

Chatting with Paul and Liam.
Listening to some Skrillex.
Picking up on one or more peoples' feelings and it's sending me into a chaotic whirl of unsure emotions and or feelings.
It hasn't hit me this hard in a while.
Just another crazy whacky thing to add to the list of meeee.

Trying to distract myself, with music, chatting, movie, kitties, and possibly Minecraft.

I feel like... I'm feeling too many things at one time and it's confusing my system and making me run slow.
It's like when you have too many web pages open and you're internet fucks its self over.
Blah blah blahhhhhh.

This fucking crazy.
Driving me insane in an impossibly slow wayyyy.
What the fuck do I do about it?
Nothing 'cause I can't control itttt..
All I can do is close my eyes and sigh.
Another day, another chaotic spin.
Like the roll of the dice,
It decides your future in the game.
You'll either get a lucky spot or a shitty drop.
Who wrote the rules to this fucking game?
All you can do is laugh and flip off this fucked up world.
Rambling now?
You bet, but it keeps me from thinking on one thing too long.
If I pause for even a second the emotions crowd in on me.
Trying to suffocate me!
Their hold is unrelentinggggg.
I sound insane, but aren't we all?
We're all crazy in our own waysss.

All this sounds like a bunch of crazy, randomly put together shit.
But sometimes that's how it is.
Isn't the world a crazy mixed up place?
What do you expect the people to be like?
I mean come on.
If you lived in a fucked up, random, chaotic place.
Then you're probably going to be mixed up and feel like everything's chaotic.

When people ask how I feel, I reply fine or okay.
Because I'm never really sure how I feel normally.
People say I'm complicating.
Well I'm not just complicating to them, I'm complicated to myself.
Sometimes I just need to ramble.
It helps...
Not always, but sometimes.
I get to try and figure out what kind of emotions are running through me atm.
People are always telling me to change, to be more emotional, to open up, to stop being so down.
On and on and on, always telling ME how to be.
Why do they want to change me?
And if they knew how emotional I was, I don't know if they could handle it.
Why don't they think about how maybe they need to change, instead of trying to change everything or everyone else.

Yeah I got crazy ideas, yeah I'm mixed up.
But at least I don't try to change anyone else because of it.
At least no consciously.

Sometimes I think writing and music are the only things that actually help me get through every day.

Yeah I'm lost, but I know I'll survive.
I always have.
Through every shitty fucking thing I've been through.
Yeah some people have been through worse and I'm not saying I'm the worst off person in the world.
But I'm not the best off.
I've got too many thoughts going through my mind.
That's why what I say gets mixed up.
They all try to come out at the same time and it gets hard to keep track.

I need to go for a run.
That always helps clear my mind.
Running through the trees.
Not worrying about people.
Just enjoying the breeze, the feel of my sneakers hitting the ground.
The steady pace of my breathing.
The sun.

Not a damned thing to worry about.
Except maybe falling.
Or twisting your ankle...Getting bit by a snake.
Okay, theree's a lot of things to worry about.
But you don't really think about itt.

Just on the path you're on right that moment.

Not the future,
Not the past,
Just right that second.