Learning to be Me

Why is it easier to write in a book that no one ever reads?
Because it’s easier to pretend you’re talking to someone than it is to actually spill out your soul to someone.
Talking about yourself, it’s a pain in the ass. Unless you’re one of those weird ass people who are obsessed with themselves and thinks everyone loves you, when instead they actually just get really fucking ticked off around you.
Explaining your thoughts, and feelings, it’s hard to open up and do that.
At least it is for me, I’ve been trying to learn how to just stop being an emotional wall.
People don’t understand why I am the way I am, and I can’t really explain it to them.

How do you explain something that they haven’t experienced or you’re not sure how to explain?
How can you tell them that you’re like this because of what others have done, so you learned how to protect yourself?
I’ve tried explaining before, and normally people just tell me the past is the past and that I need to stop worrying about people hurting me, or worrying about people being stupid.
They don’t understand.

Maybe that works for them, maybe they haven’t had a lot of people hurt them.
Forgive and forget they say, but some things you can’t forget and some things you can only partially forgive.
I guess I’m one of the people that will always remember, I’ve always been able to remember weird things or things I shouldn’t be able to remember I do.
Probably not a fantastic thing, but I can’t exactly help it.
I don’t automatically expect everyone to hurt me, be stupid, or just an ass.
But I can’t help be wary.
Let’s just say it’s a survival thing, because if I was always a bundle of joy expecting the best out of everyone, then I would’ve been crushed a long time ago.
Hell, maybe some of me was and that’s why I am who I am now.
But I don’t regret it, maybe some small parts.

At least it’s helping me become the person I’m hopefully supposed to be.
Maybe, just who I want to be.

-Victoria

Fuck people....

Today....
I got up...and started cleaning...

Then I realized Gypsy wasn't around, I wasn't worried yet.
I started calling and looking for her...
She wasn't out front, I checked there since the front door was open.
I decided to go and ask Mrs.Z. if she had her or knew where she was...
She didn't, and I told her I couldn't find her.

So I go back outside and start walking around the house, I had gone to the right of the front door..
I should've headed towards the left and down the drive...
I walked all the way around the house calling her, and getting worried now...
And then I made it around the house and at the beginning of the drive.
And out of the gate and on the other side of the road... was Gypsy.
She was just standing there looking at me.
And I started running to get her, she's not supposed to be by the road, especially this road...
I was running towards her and calling her.. and then I heard the car....

I felt the panic begin in the back of my mind as the scene played out terribly slow...
She was so happy to see me, she started running towards me.
In my mind I'm screaming no, stop, please...
I couldn't even get half way to the gate and the car.... hit her...
I watched as the front tire caught her dead on...rolled her over the tire....
The sound....
That bone crunching splat as she hit the road....

I'll never get the image of her small body being almost torn in half out of my mind... The sound will always haunt me....
The car didn't even slow... didn't stop... it was like Gypsy wasn't even there to them....
I stopped and stared....
Her small body lying there...It had happened so fast she probably didn't even know that the car hit her...

Mrs.Z. arrived by then... screaming get the gate key...
So I ran to the house and snatched the key and ran back...
Mrs.Z. had hopped the fence and gotten Gypsy's body out of the middle of the road... and was sitting at the end of the drive...
We both had tears running down our faces...

We buried her...

Now Mrs.Z. left for the store...
And I'm sitting here...
Beating myself up for not finding her or getting to her sooner...

My eyes sting and my throat burns...
Busted my knuckles from punching the wall...

They could have at least stopped... and said sorry...
I was right there....

It's amazing how quick it happens...
I had just given Gypsy a bath last night and she'd slept curled up against me... next to Tio...
She'd been playing with Dryer Venti this morning...
Before she passed...

I feel so blank...

Why?

I get asked that simple question a lot.
Why?
Just that one word can have a huge effect on things.
People ask themselves that question more than once.

I'm asking myself that question right now.
Why do I feel like this?
Why can't I stop it?
Why am I here?
Why am I asking myself why?

Yeah the question list goes on, and on, and on.

My friend said self criticism is the worst.
Yet I can't help but play the critic in my own movie.
Watching myself go through life, wondering what's around the corner or what's the next big plot in the story.

No way to really answer that, no way to fast forward.
Just kind of have to keep going through this slow paced part, and wonder how much longer it'll last.
Hoping a better action scene is up next, the drama gets old and so does the same scene over and over.

I found a song I really like today.
It keeps making me think about things though, well it's probably not really the song. It's just the timing.
Stressed out, more than usual lately.
Yeah I shouldn't be stressing, or worrying. But how do I quit?
Mr.A. is getting home on Thursday, and Mr.J. and Mrs.Zill are still uptight and prickly.
Can't fix everything, but I can at least help keep things a bit calmer and keep it from escalating.

Wondering how the rest of the year will play out, and what the new year will bring.
Mr.J. is only supposed to be here for 2weeks.
It'll be a much shorter time if he keeps pulling those stupid ass moves.

He keeps talking about how the world is fucked up, and we have no idea.
He's wrong there.
I know more than he thinks.
He complains about no one knowing him, but he automatically assumes he knows everyone.
How's he going to get anywhere like that?

He acts like he's the only one who's ever dealt with tough shit and he complains and whines.
And then when someone tries to help or talk to him, he spits in their face.
Don't complain and act like you want help if you're going to do that.
That's just being an ignorant dumb ass.

But oh well, it's not my problem.
Oh wait... it kind of is, since you're in my house.
I don't appreciate how you act towards Mrs.Z.
You come to us for help and then try to be a douche and say get the fuck off, I don't need help?
Bullshit, you've got some fucking nerve.
Hopefully you learn to watch your step, because you're on a thin line.
You'd hate to fall.

Nothing I can do if you step wrong and fall off into the jaws of Mr.Ass.

Besides you don't need "help."
So why should I even care?

I can't help but wonder how many other people out there are like you, more than likely.
It's a lot more than you think.

You probably think I don't remember all the shit I've been through, especially in my younger years.
That's where you'd be wrong... So don't just tread lightly in front of Mr.A. and Mrs.Z.
Because I do remember, and I know I'll never forget.

Which is kind of shitty, because most of the time it sucks to remember.

Well, I'm hungry...
Time for some ramen and tea.

Idk what to call this post. There :D

Well, today..
I really fucking need a desk.
I have a small laptop one, but I can't put my wireless mouse on it.
So I stole my sister's computer chair which she doesn't use and put it beside my bed.
With a bit of arranging.
I can sit beside my bed by my window facing the tv, and rest my mouse on the bed.
Now I can see out the window, watch my movies and sit in a chair!
I've just been sitting on my bed when I'm on my laptop, and I'm really done with that.

Watching a movie (well kind of) with little sister.

How to train your Dragon.

(I did put a picture of it in here, but then blogger or my internet decided to hate on me and stopped responding.)

Anyway, I actually enjoy watching (listening) to this movie.
It's pretty cute.
I remember when my sister talked us into going to the movie theater, I had thought it looked kind of stupid and one of those really annoying kid movies.
But it actually turned out pretty cool.

Why do people keep telling me to check Facebook?
I don't enjoy it anymore, it kind of annoys, ticks me off or depresses me when I log in.
Everyone's normally just saying the same shit over and over anywayy.
I'd much rather stick to msn.
But I check Facebook anyway... Because sometimes I just like to see what kind of shit has been stirred up.

Staring out my window... I wish it was raining.
We haven't had nearly enough rain this year.
Been in a drought for ages now.
We've had a teeny tiny itsy bitsy amount of rain.

I keep getting off track here because like a bizillion people are messaging me on msn.
And Paul wants me to watch some stupid video or some such, which he posted on...FACEBOOK.
*rages*

Anyway, I annoyed him because to everything he said I just replied ">.>"  that.
I'm evil, I know....
But it's just so damn fun. Hehe.
I also have other reasons!
But that's for another time....Maybe.

I added them all into one conversation, mwahaha.
Liam, Paul, Max, and myself.
But now I can mostly ignore it and write.
Evil master mind?
Maybe. :]

I've forgotten what I wanted to say though ):
So I didn't jump my plan into action soon enough.
FAIL.

Paul and Max are being creepy.
Why do guys act gay together, I will never know?!
Getting down right weird.
But that's how guys are...hell that's how all people are.
I'll post laterrr.

Sundaaaayyy....!

 OKAY, blogger is being annoying and not letting me put my pictures where I want...Anyway this is Tio when we went on our camping trip to NC earlier in the year and this is Cleopatra shortly after we got her.
If only she was still so small and adorable.


Oh America, I wish I could tell you this was still America.
But I've realized, that you can't have a country without people.
And there are no people!
No my friends, this now the United States of Zombieland.

If you can't tell I just started watching Zombieland.

And ew, my sister just handed me a wet soaking Cleopatra.
The tiny Chihuahua mix just had a bath.
Poor Mr.Valentio is getting one next.
Neither of them like baths very much.

We're taking them to some stupid dress your pet thing, I don't want to go.
-.-

Cleopatra is tearing up my bed and burrowing into the covers and growling.
When I go to sleep she'll probably try to eat me >.>
Now she's sitting beside me and staring at me. o.o

Talking to Paul about the whole dress my dog thing which will be at a church.
Yay...
Just to clear things up.
I am Native American.
And I am Indigenous.
I believe differently.
Don't judge me for not believing the exact same way you do.

Besides, I'm only being honest from personal experience.
Christians are supposed to be the "least" judgmental people.
But Christians have always judged me and kind of shoved me into the "You're going to hell group."
Just because I believe differently?
Haha.
You guys are so nice.<3
Now not all Christians are the same..
Like my friend Zach, he's amazingly cool.
Pretty cute too.
(Hopefully he never reads this.)

I haven't seen him in about 2-3years I guess it's been now.
He moved out of state, so it's sad. :[
But anyway, he accepted me even though I believed differently.
We were best friends actually, don't get to talk as much now..
But we still keep in touch.

All I'm saying is, don't judge me. Or try not to, and I'll try not to judge you.
Don't judge a book on it's cover and the first few pages that you read.

I want to play Minecraftttttt....
Liam and I are planning on exploring some huuge cave I found near his tower.
But can't till I get back from Dress ya dog and he gets back from a pub.
And the time difference doesn't help !
Anyway, post@yalaterrr.

Sataadaay

Well, Mrs.Zilla decided we'd go shopping today...
Oh the fun...
I despise shopping with a passion!
But we went to the mall and by the pet store, they had the cutest baby guinea pigs!
It made me miss Daisy, she was my first guinea pig ever...!
We had to give her away ages ago.
I'm so tired...
I didn't have a bad dream last night though, but I was up for agesss...
Talking to Liam.
Paul, Liam, Raden and I all minecrafted yesterday.
But Paul, Liam and I were on until likeeeee....fuck, I don't remember exactly.
Past 12am though.
Was loads of fun tbh.
Liam and I were making fun of Paul's dirt "tower" or whatever he wants to call it.
I'm working on another castle~!
I'm about to watch My Bloody Valentine on Syfy.
I've never seen it.
Hopefully it's as good as what I've heard from people.
Tomorrow I think is going to be quite shitty, but I'm not sure yet...
Today wasn't too bad though.
Except for the shopping part.
Oh and Mr.Ass kept calling and ruining my mood.
But oh weeeelll.
Just another day.

Why am I so tired?!
It's only 7:45pm..
Probably because I didn't want to sleep last night.
But I never really want to sleep tbh.
Bad dreams and such...
I fell asleep after talking to Liam about his new kitten! ^-^
And the kittens and cats we used to have.
I love kitttiesss.

Am I irriated, haha! Of course not! Why would you ever ask such a question?

OKAY.
Mrs.Zilla.
You've officially ticked me off.
You're sweet and smiling then something goes and ticks you offf.
So you have to make sure the whole fucking world is in a pissy, panties up your ass crack kind of mood.
WTF is up with that?!
I just don't understand, will I ever?
Pigs would probably have to fly before I'd understand your mentality!

I love and adore you, I really do.
But this shit is driving me INSANE.
Wait.... I'm pretty sure I already am insane, but at least it's not a bad insane!
Yet....if this shit keeps going on, I might really become the pyromaniac I feel I could be.
I mean who doesn't want to set a building on fire and watch the pretty flames eat it up?!

I need to have a relaxing day.
Without little sis, without Zilla, without ALL the animals.
I need a break from them.
I adore them, but everyone needs a break every once in a while.
I'm not wrong about that, even parents take vacations from their kids every now and then.
Even if they deny it!
It's true.

I'd love to just go somewhere with a friend or two and dance.
Let myself go for a little while and not have to give a flying fuck.

I'm a calm person, but they ruin my calm... no not ruin.
They fucking blow it up into teeny tiny nonexistent pieces!
I can only bottle up so much shit before I explode.
This is why my moods so whacky and fucked up latelyyy.

I can't figure out how to act and or feel.

I want to speak and stand up for myself, but I can't seem to jump that cliff that's before me.
All I can do is bite my tongue and bide my time, and possibly slowly lose my mind in the process.
But oh-fucking-well.
I'm supposed to be the happy preppy sunshiny person no matter what comes my way, ain't that right, Zills?!
Yeaaaahhhh.... Good fucking luck to me.

Rage, rage, blah, blah.
Listen to all this shit, I don't like to complain but sometimes I can't fucking help myself.
I've got to get this shit out, because it's eating ME ALIVEEEEE....

Party rock! Woo! Let's go, party rock is in the house tonightttt..
Everybody just have a good time!
And We gonna make you lose your mind!
We just wanna see ya, shake that!
This is when the dancing hamsters would come in and I'd dance along to the commercial.
But sadly I only have the song atm.
I could use a laugh or a smile atm.
Because atm I feel like punching the wall.
But what did my poor wall do to me?
Nothing, except keep me shielded from the other crazy ass people in my house.
Thank you walls! I love youuu...

Music helps meee..
All you other people have drugs and such, well music is mine!
It helps my mood, or sometimes makes it fall.
It depends on what I want from itttt.

My mind if whirling!
My thoughts are like a fucking tidal pool, all kinds of tiny fish, crustaceans, and other weird critters from DA SEA.
Swimming around, or going with the push and pull of the tide.
Dodging rocks, and things that want to eat ME.

BTW.

Random fact...Dolphins have sex for pleasure like people!