Lost

Feeling lost.
We all feel it, sometime in our lives.
Sometimes more than others.
The world is such a crazy place and sometimes you just stop.
Thinking about everything that's happened or is supposed to happen, should happen, might happen... The list goes on.
It's such an overwhelming feeling.

You can't be sure of anything so everything seems out of place, you aren't sure what you want to do. But so many things or people are making you feel like you have to do something.
Rushing you into things or away from things.
Sometimes you need to just get away from it, but how can you run from your own mind?
Pretending it's not there won't make it go away and it's definitely not going anywhere.
It gets harder to focus and thinking on something for too long is out of the question.
Or else the feelings just get worse...
But you can't stop yourself from thinking.

Trying to figure out what to do or what's coming is like trying to walk on water.
You just sputter and try and keep yourself afloat.
Honestly a rock to hold onto would be nice but sometimes you don't have that option...
So you get oh so tired of swimming.
But floating along is all you can do at the moment sometimes.

Thinking..
Wondering..
Waiting.

What's going to happen next and am I ready for it?

I wrote this because I get this feeling a lot, it never quite goes away.

AH

Help.
I'm drowning in this mixed up, complicating, fucked up, misunderstood, completely insane, world.
I can't stand people but I need them.
They drive me insane.
I don't know what to do.
I get in trouble for bitching, but I also get in trouble for bottling things up.
SO what do I DO?!

Because I've go no idea anymore.
I can't be helped.
Asking for help is like asking a pile of sand for a glass of water in the fucking desert.
It's crazy and nonexistent.
Yeah, people say they can help.
To an extent I guess they could, but not what I need.
What do I need?
I don't even know, but I'm pretty sure no one could give it to me.

Sometimes I wonder why I keep trying, but then I know I'm doing it for something.
What exactly?
I'm not sure, but it's there...Something that keeps me from pulling my hair out, screaming at the fucking world, and setting something on fire.

I sound like a crazy ass bitch, but you know what? The world made me that way.
So there.
I can't help the events that have made me the way I am, there was nothing I could do about it.
So things have been done, what's done is done.
Nothing to do now except wait for the next thing that's going to happen to happen.
Just take a deep breath and keep going, wondering what crazy ass event is coming next.
But that's okay, just like everything else I'll keep going and survive.
And wonder why?

Sometimes I feel like I'm just in a third person kind of view.
Because I see what's going on, I experience, and I feel it.
But it doesn't feel.... like I'm actually there.
It's hard to explain, and I don't really care to try.
I can't explain something to someone else when I can't even explain it myself.

Sometimes I think about just taking off, just put on my sneakers and start running.
Not looking back, just going.
Where exactly?
I wouldn't really know or care, I'd just be going.
I basically do that now, I'm just running from day to day.
Surviving, but not exactly living.

I can't complain.
At least I am alive, right?
Yeah...
Sometimes I feel like I'm the world's weirdest person, and that no one can and ever will get me or even care to try.
I'm complicated as hell, confused, crazy, misunderstood, never really been understood, lost, etc. Etc. Etc.
The list goes on and on and on and on and on....

Does anyone really care?
Not really.
Do I need to get this shit out anyway?
Yeah, I do.
Writing and music keeps me sane.
It's what helps me live.
I can be what I want when I write, I don't have to be what someone else wants.
It's mine and no one can change that, and I wouldn't care if they tried.
They might be able to control a lot of other things, but some things you just can't.

I can't leave, but I don't want to stay.
I want to stay, but I need to leave...
Does that make much sense?
Kind of, but not really.

I know myself, but I don't.
It's just the way it is.

People are always talking about finding themselves.
How do you do that exactly?
I sure as hell don't know.
And I don't really think you can ever find yourself completely.
There's always going to be something missing... it's just how thing's go...

Onto another night of shitty sleep.

Blankness

I feel so.....so.....BLANK?
I'm not sure really.
I've been feeling pretty shitty all day.
Well, not shitty.
Just blank....Hard to explain.
Why?
I have no damned idea.
I feel so restless as well...
What's wrong with meeee?!

I need to do something or I need something, but what?...