Last Day of March

I'm not sure how I feel today.
Today didn't start off wonderfully so that might explain my blankyblankblankness.

I didn't sleep very well and got up at 4am because I was supposed to, but then I got to sleep in until 5:15am because no one else was up yet.
And I sure as hell wasn't going to wake anyone up if it meant I could try falling asleep again for a little while.

Anyway, I don't really want to talk about the farm work, or the auction... or the fact that Mr.A. is here...

I'm not really sure what I want to talk about, but I need to say something.
Even if it's just a bunch of random shit.

Because as the day has worn on, my moods just followed the sun... Steadily dropping.
Making me want to just sigh and curl up in bed, and stare at the ceiling.
But I doubt that would help my mood any...Which is why I shall not do that.
Yet.

On the subject of ceilings....
Why are they always white?
And covered in those weird ass paint blobby, things?
I always thought it looked stupid.

My friend Liam sent me a message over Skype today, saying he might be gone for a while.To figure things out and such.
He has terrible timing.

I really wanted to call him today... 
But I guess we've both been feeling rather shitty lately.
He just never talks about it.

Which is understandable, I know...

But honestly, I'm hoping he comes back soon...

This year feels different yet the same...
I really need things to change, but sometimes change happens slowly..
A few things have changed, teeny tiny things.

But they've changed nonetheless. 
So I guess I'll just have to continue seeing what happens and hope for the best.

So as March comes to an end, I wonder.

Will next month be any better?

Awe! So fucking cutee

It's Friday? Hell Nooo

So, today.. yesterday, the day before, the week before, month, year....
What the fuck is going on?
Shouldn't I be enjoying my life by now?
Honestly, come on.
I certainly don't want to be getting older but obviously I can't stop it.
But that doesn't mean I enjoy watching the days all blend together and watching the year fade and seeing a new one approach.
Birthdays are nice but at the same time can just go fuck off.

I'm waiting for when I can have some "Me" time and not always be taking care of someone else or someone else s' shit.
I'm already doing so much I'm trying to imagine what it's going to be like once I get a job and go to college.
I'll die.
Like literally I will just fall over and die from all the work.
Okay... So maybe I won't really dieee...
But close enough.

I mean I clean the house, I take care of the animals, take care of GB and make sure everything's alright.
Because she's a stubborn ass bitch who refuses to go to the doctors, etc. etc.
Then I'm taking care of little sister too, she's almost as big a bitch as GB.
Just wait till she hits the teen years...

We will all be fucked then.

I hardly have any time for writing and when I do make time I'm stumped on what I should write or I'm just tired and don't feel like writing...
Well normally I feel like writing I just don't know what to write.
So WHAT the fuck do I do?

I'm still stuck on story ideas and no one offers any good advice, I just need to find that story that gives me that flow.
But so far no luck.

Today's been up and down and has kind of sucked, it hasn't really seemed like a Friday.
I mean yeah a lot of Fridays haven't been great but I kind of need today to not be shit.
I decided to give myself the day off from cleaning the house, but I did have to feed the animals.
That's one thing that can't be skipped.

And I probably won't get very much sleep tonight because I'll more than likely be talking to Tristan.
Mr.Sandman pretty much says "fuck me" most of the time anyway.

So lately I've been feeling super duper weird, like weirder than I normally feel which is already weird, so I guess I'm just getting weirder...
People already can't handle me, how will they handle an even weirder me?!

I don't know, I think I need a vacation, away from family.
So I can collect myself and just relax.

Even after Monday and Tuesday the calendar says "WTF"

Writing Challenge

I'm not sure why, but for the past week or so I've been having some real writing issues.
I really want to write, but I just can't seem to figure out what.
Like I have so many things I want to write it's crazy, but when I try to write it I'm just stuck.
It's been driving me crazy.
And the only reasons of why I'm having such trouble is stress, family interruptions, having so much work to do around the house. etc.

But I don't know, I'm hoping to get past this "writers' block" and get all of what I want written.

I've been really tired, as always I'm having weird dreams and waking up continuously.
Which really sucks, but what can I do?

So I'm not looking forward to the 29th, that's when Mr.A. gets home and I get to act like a zombie maid.
Yay!

But whatever, I'll figure shit out eventually.

Lost

Feeling lost.
We all feel it, sometime in our lives.
Sometimes more than others.
The world is such a crazy place and sometimes you just stop.
Thinking about everything that's happened or is supposed to happen, should happen, might happen... The list goes on.
It's such an overwhelming feeling.

You can't be sure of anything so everything seems out of place, you aren't sure what you want to do. But so many things or people are making you feel like you have to do something.
Rushing you into things or away from things.
Sometimes you need to just get away from it, but how can you run from your own mind?
Pretending it's not there won't make it go away and it's definitely not going anywhere.
It gets harder to focus and thinking on something for too long is out of the question.
Or else the feelings just get worse...
But you can't stop yourself from thinking.

Trying to figure out what to do or what's coming is like trying to walk on water.
You just sputter and try and keep yourself afloat.
Honestly a rock to hold onto would be nice but sometimes you don't have that option...
So you get oh so tired of swimming.
But floating along is all you can do at the moment sometimes.

Thinking..
Wondering..
Waiting.

What's going to happen next and am I ready for it?

I wrote this because I get this feeling a lot, it never quite goes away.

Disturbing

Well, sleep is shit.My body proved that last night and or this morning.
Woke up a lot as usual, but when I got up in the morning.
Tears running down my face and basically worried shitless.

Had an awful dream about a friend of mine.
Not going into detail but it was very, very disturbing.
Still a bit worried about it and will be for a while, I guess..

Anyway, took more goats to the auction today but the auction isn't until tomorrow.
SOO...

GB is of course making me go with her, and I'm wondering how early we'll be leaving.

I'm not looking forward to the 40 minutes to an hour long drive.
Yippeee...

Also not looking forward to sitting in a room full of "creepy cowfolk." 
And listening to the auctioneer drone on and one in that annoying fast paced voice with the fuckton of speakers in the room making it a bajillion times louder.
I don't enjoy watching them parade the poor beasties through the little area for people to look at as the auctioneer rambles on and I stumble over what he's saying.

Doesn't that just sound like a good time?
Some of the cows and horses and goats look so hungry, nobody feeds their animals.
For sucks sake.

And other newssss...
I'm pretty sure I did something like pull a muscle in my shoulder, not too bad thankfully.
But it still makes it a chore when moving 100lbs. of feed a day to feed the goats and can't forget their hay.(This isn't including feeding all the other animals either...)

Now don't get me wrong, I love animals.
Always have and always will.

But it's a bit tiresome having to feed animals that bring you no enjoyment and that you didn't choose to take care of. But oh well, just have to deal with it for now.

I've been feeling quite weird the past few days and unsure of what to write lately.
I know I want to write a story I'm just not sure what I want to write..
I need some inspiration honestly.

So I'm just kind of...
Meh.

A Leaf, the most horrid of Things.

A leaf is the worst of evils apparently.
If one even touches the dear floors of GB.
She evolves into her ScarySecondSelf, that's completely crazy.

Yes she's already crazy, but her ScarySecondSelf, is even crazier!
I know that's hard to believe but it's true.
SO
ScarySecondSelf has been in a bad mood for weeks now, because of who-gives-a-fuck-why.
She spots the leaf and starts screaming in her bitchy tone.
"WHY ISN'T THIS PICKED UP?! YOU WALKED RIGHT BY IT!"

Now, I know leaves are nasty creatures, but are they that goddamn horrible?
I mean what the fuck did that leaf ever do to you?
What the fuck did I DO to get yelled at about it?!

I sure as hell didn't bring that leaf in to touch your wonderful floors!
It wasn't I that said, "Come on, Leaf! Let's piss GB off, now did I?!
I don't think soooo.

But alas, I get bitched at anyway.
So of course I stand in silence and go to that blank place that is safe and listen to you bitch and moan.
Then I continue cleaning YOUR kitchen, and watch as you walk back in with the food I'd fixed you, untouched and set upon the counter.
And do I say anything?
No, I do not.

Were you bitching about being hungry?
Yes you were.

But I don't say anything, fuck I don't even look at you.
I just do what I'm supposed to do.
And then you call me into your Royal quarters and you cry and ask me to forgive you.

Of course I do, because what else would I do...
When you should be my rock and the one that's understanding, our roles are switched and have been for a long time.

I try to deal with it but my patience is wearing thin.

MondaysReallySuck

Rain, rain and rain some MOOORE

If you didn't guess by the title, it's been raining.
Quite a bit.
For over a week or so now.
Today's forecast was....
Severe Thunderstorm warnings PLUS a Tornado WATCH?!

I love rain, but I don't like to be cold and wet.
Because...
Taking care of all the farm animals in the cold, wet rainy, gloomy weather, as nice as it seems...Isn't that fucking great.

Honestly, I love animals.
But I'm tired of taking care of animals that I DID NOT choose to have, just have to bide my time I guess.
But time sucks.
A lot.

I'm tired if you can't tell, which is weird...
Time changes always fuck me over though.

I mean last night I stayed up too late because I forgot about the time change and for some reason my laptop was a dickhead and didn't update it's timey time time.
So I didn't realize how late it was getting until I looked at the time on the phone and realized, I was fucking tired.
Because it was fucking late.
SO...
I went and laid down and passed out listening to a thunderstorm for the 3rd or so night.
And woke up to it raining kittens and puppies.
Looked at the clock and was amazed.
I slept waaay too long.

I mean I wake up a lot when I sleep, I don't sleep for that many hours without interruptions.
But alas!
That time I had, so I was all disoriented and groggy this morning.

But on a good note...
No preppy people fucked with me!

On another note...

Someone I don't feel like talking to is fucking with me and I feel like punching them in the face.

*sigh*

Really tired I think.
Will I try sleeping?
Probably not...

Do I need to get up early in the morning?
Yes, indeed I do.

Fuck mornings.
Especially Mondays!

Titles are for Noobs

So what have I been doing?

What it's only been....Less than a month by about 5 days that I posted.

Not only have I been busy and not sleeping well and having weird ass dreams where things try to kill me, but I've had writers block!
How shitty is that?

But oh well, I'm here now.

So I updated my "Stuff about Me" because frankly what I first had there was shit.
I can already tell I'll end up editing it again sometime, but that's not what we're on about.

What have I been doing lately?

I've been feeling like shit.
I can't tell if my body just decides that sleep is unimportant or maybe Mr.Sandman hates me.

Besides if either Mr.Sand or I should be hating at the moment it should be ME.
Not sleeping well is bad enough but then having shit dreams when you do sleep, that's like a completely dickish move.

So fuck you, Mr.Sandman.


Anyway....
If you can't tell not sleeping well has a slight moodyish effect on me, it kind of flips my bitch switch on. So I feel bad for the poor soul that decides to piss me off and I go all smart ass bitch ninja on his/her ass.

I haven't written in any of my "novels" in days now because I haven't known what to write and I've been so tired I just haven't really felt like writing.
At the moment I just feel like screaming or flinging myself into bed into my multitude of pillows and trying to sleep.
But I'm almost positive as soon as I get INTO bed that I will not be even the tinny tiniest bit tired.

Does this happen often?
Yes it does... I'll get into bed and be tired as hell and then I get comfortable and laid down and I'm wide awake and staring at the ceiling.
Go me.

Sooo anyway....
Fuck all for now, I'm hungry.

TimeToEat