Been a while, eh?

Well...
It's been ages since I've written.
So here I am sitting in the recliner in the second living room/fireplace room.
On my new phone, which is an iPhone.
Wooptie doo daa day.

Anyway, Mr.A. Has been home since... Saturday.
I do believe he's leaving this Saturday.

I've decided thanksgiving is like, my least favorite holiday.
But oh well.

I've been in quite the shitty mood, I honestly don't feel like talking or writing.
But I'm trying a bit at the moment.
I'm tired though...
I need to write more tomorrow.
I can't keep my thoughts in line.

Eh bleh, bleh.

Time for another one of those...
Bitchmoanandgroan blogpost.

So here goes it.

The past few days... Hmm..
Where should I start?
There's honestly no beginning, it's just been, shit.
Didn't really notice the beginning and I don't see the end.
Yippee.

Saturday, looming ever closer.
Feeling like shit every day.
Been reading a lot.
What can I say?
I enjoy a good Anita Blake Vampire Hunter novel.

Also been playing Skyrim,
Shit.
Phone call.


6 Minutes, and counting.

Still going...


Man, can he talk...


47 minutes and still going...


And I thought they said girls talk a lot.

I've completely lost my train of thought after an hour on the phone...

So much for bitchingmoaningandgroaning, huh?

Ciao.

Okay so....

Alrighty.
My weekend, and why I have not written..?!
1. I was too lazy and just didn't think about writing. 
2. Been a bit depressedish if ya haven't noticed.
3. Friday was an interesting day...
4. Here's the story?!

Friday.
Had to go shopping with mom and little sister.
Got ready...Dreaded going shopping.
Went to the SPCA.
Looked at sad, adorable kittens, cats, dogs and puppies.
Picked out a kittten.----------------------------------------------------->
That's the kitten.
In the truck, kitten named herself.
Yes... she named herself, no joke!
I kept throwing out names and trying them out.
And all she did was stare out the truck window, she's a very chill kitty.
Then I say Zelda and she meows for the first time, and the last. Until today, when I came into my room and she acted all happy and purryfull to see me and bugged me for an hour or so, then went to play with my robe tie, and now she's shleeeping on the bed.

Oh...On Wednesday? I think it was.. I got a new phone..
An iPhone. <.<
I don't know whyy everyone makes such a big deal about it, but oh well.

Anyway, did not get to go skating on Friday... Again... it's been ages...

We ran into the store real quick and we had to hurry since kitty was in a carrier in the car.
Got home, was surprised I got Skyrim as an early birthday present.
Win.

Been playing it since, level 8 or so now... Today on the main quest was a bitch.
But I kicked ass, and such.

I don't have a lot to report...
Other than this Saturday Mr.A. is getting home... Possibly for two weeks?
So yeah...
Put some Anita Blake series books on my kindle..
I got one book last year on my birthday, not sure which one it was but then I checked the book files I got put onto my computer near my birthday this year and there was a whole bunch of them.
So I can actually read the series now, yay!

Haven't really been able to focus...
Today's no better.
Haven't really been talking to anyone much, except Paul and Maxxi.
Haven't spoken to Liam since Saturday morning/early afternoon.
Hoping he's alright.
This is the first time I've gotten on my computer since Friday for the 10-15 minutes or so I was on...

Been distracted with Skyrim.
It's a nice distraction and something new to do.
It's been taking my mind off of things, at least when I can actually focus.
Otherwise my mind is just a jumble of Idkwtf.
I need to write in my journal, it's been a long time since I've done that.
Been mostly writing on here...

Bleh...

Eh...

I feel so...
Empty..?
Blank..?
What is it..?

I try and keep my mood up, to ignore this feeling that always seems to be right there... Just waiting.
Then it sneaks up on me.
And I feel this... Whatever it is.
My mood isn't good but its not extremely bad...
It's just...
Bleh...

Rambling on.

Trapped in your own life by the circle of repeat-ion.
Same things over and over, just a different day.

They blend and hardly ever change.
It makes the time's pass almost unnoticeable, but at the same time unbearable.
The things around you, that you love, yet keep you trapped.
You can't seem to set yourself free or pull yourself loose.
You just want to pack your bag and walk.
Just for a break, a bit of change, something different...
You're tired of the blending and the unchanging.

My ex, Joe.
He doesn't like change, he despises it in fact.
He doesn't realize that people have to change to live, to survive.
It's necessary, needed, and eventually unpreventable.
He's changed, he probably doesn't realize it.
But I do, I've changed.
I know I've changed a lot over the years..
And I'll continue you to change, hopefully for the better.
Sure right now, I'm stuck in a rut.
Nothing seemingly is different from the past week, month, year.
But eventually, something's going to happen.
It just takes being able to survive the slow pace of it, being able to wait it out.

Then you once things differ from how they usually are, you have to be able to survive THAT change.
Life isn't easy and it's not meant to be.
One of my favorite sayings.
Life's a bitch because if it was easy, it'd be a slut.

It's not always easy to remember those things, but you've got to try and remind yourself.

You have to realize what you need to do to keep going, because other people can only do so much for you.
In the end, it's all you.
You.
Have to keep yourself going.
You.
Have to tell yourself to keep your head up and to stay strong.

No it's not easy, it never will be.
But it's not impossible to do.

It just takes doing it.
There is always going to be some type of bump in the road that makes you grit your teeth and wonder why there's a fucking rock in your way.
But you'll eventually figure it out and move on your way.

I might repeat, I might ramble, but sometimes that's what it takes.
You know?
Sometimes it takes reminding yourself or others than you can do it, you can get past it.
You can keep moving on.
It's hard, but do-able.
Don't give up just because you feel like there's no point.
Sure, there might not seem to be anything worth it right then.
But that's not your entire life, that's just then.

That moment, what about tomorrow?
A week, month, or year from now?
There's not telling where you could be then.

Regret...

Ah blah, blah, blah...

What to do, what to do?

Well, I've got no idea...so any ideas, let me know.

Listening to some music to keep myself chill and under control.
Today has just been an off day.
Considering how the past few days of been it shouldn't really be a surprise.

I don't know what to write, what to do, what to play, what to listen to, what to read...
I just don't know what to do.

I just want to break down.. but I can't.
I always seem to feel it at the wrong time, or just can't get myself to let go.
So I flood myself with music and occupy myself with things..

Never focusing on what I'm thinking or how I feel..
So I can keep control.

I'm afraid to break...
If I break what else will crumble down around me?...
I keep Mrs.Z. together... I keep little sister calm.
When everyone else is screaming and out of control I'm there to calm them down and comfort them.

It's like what happened when Gypsy was run over....
Little sister was in crying, screaming hysterics..
Mrs.Z. was crying and repeatedly saying "fuckers."

While all I could do was bite my tongue and keep the calm... I couldn't break down.
Then everyone would basically just fall.

I have to be the one to catch them..I can't let them down..
It's been drilled into me for years that I have to take care of them.
They need me together, not broken apart...

Sure, after Mrs.Z. was at the store and little sister was asleep.

I couldn't help but cry.. all I could do was say I'm sorry.. for not finding you sooner..
I'm sorry for not being there for you..

I'm so sorry I didn't save you..

I should've been there for you.. and I failed.. I failed you, and I failed everyone else..
I tried to find you.. I just didn't do it soon enough..

I'm sorry...

OMGWTF POWER OUTAGE !

Well, what's more fan-fucking-tastic than sitting around in the dark, waiting on your power to turn on.
I suppose it was about 4-5, I forgot when exactly.
But it started to rain, which I was excited about since well, you know, we're still recovering from that damned drought.
Okay, so I fling open my window.
1. I love the smell of rain.
2. The breeze is always nice.
3. I love the sound of rain.
4. I love to see rain.
So yeah, my window's open, and I'm doodling around on Minecraft finishing up my epic tag-playing-Nyan-Kittens.
Sounds epic, huh?

But anyway, so I'm chatting with Maxx, and Raden, and all of a sudden.

Click.

Tv shuts off, fan shuts off, lamp shuts off, and internet goes splat.
And I'm like, fuck me.
Normally the power flashes with storms so I was like, no biggie.

The storm didn't even seem that bad to me, but earlier in the day before it'd actually started raining.
We'd had tornado warnings for our county.

Don't worry, my witchy self kept the tornadoes away, but it didn't keep the power from shutting down for hoursss...
It came back on at like, 10:15pm.
It is now!
11:03pm.

You know what happened as soon as the power turned on?
What did Mrs.Z. decide to do?!

Take a wild guess.
Go ahead.
I'm waiting...
Okay, made your guess, yeah?!

Alright, alright, I'll tell you!

As soon as the lights turned on.
The bitch mode switched on to.
I guess Mrs.Z. runs on electricity.
OMG, I need to learn how to power her down occasionally....hmm....

Anyway so apparently I should've done this, and I should've done this, should've done that, and that, and that.
Well you know whattt...
It's kind of hard to do shit when you're working by the light of a glowstick.
And or candle.
But I'll be sure to work on that =.=

So yeah... that's most of my day.

The power outage was...so.... lame.

Little sister tried to pull me out of my nest of pillows to play Monopoly and I was repeatedly saying, just leave me beeee in my head.
I had Tio and Jezzabell with me, so I was warm and snuggly.
(I'll explain Jezzabell later.)

But yeah, steps away from the dooming task of owning properties and continuing to be the richest player on the board.
The neighbor's twins came over.
And little sister went outside to play with them, it was almost dark by then and I was sitting on the porch with Mrs.Z.
Watching them around, then we gave them glowsticks once it was past dark.

But yeah... so before I could write out this amazingly shit filled post, I had to do the dishes, so Mrs.Z. would shut up.

But yeah, that pretty much sums up my day...

Fuck people....

Today....
I got up...and started cleaning...

Then I realized Gypsy wasn't around, I wasn't worried yet.
I started calling and looking for her...
She wasn't out front, I checked there since the front door was open.
I decided to go and ask Mrs.Z. if she had her or knew where she was...
She didn't, and I told her I couldn't find her.

So I go back outside and start walking around the house, I had gone to the right of the front door..
I should've headed towards the left and down the drive...
I walked all the way around the house calling her, and getting worried now...
And then I made it around the house and at the beginning of the drive.
And out of the gate and on the other side of the road... was Gypsy.
She was just standing there looking at me.
And I started running to get her, she's not supposed to be by the road, especially this road...
I was running towards her and calling her.. and then I heard the car....

I felt the panic begin in the back of my mind as the scene played out terribly slow...
She was so happy to see me, she started running towards me.
In my mind I'm screaming no, stop, please...
I couldn't even get half way to the gate and the car.... hit her...
I watched as the front tire caught her dead on...rolled her over the tire....
The sound....
That bone crunching splat as she hit the road....

I'll never get the image of her small body being almost torn in half out of my mind... The sound will always haunt me....
The car didn't even slow... didn't stop... it was like Gypsy wasn't even there to them....
I stopped and stared....
Her small body lying there...It had happened so fast she probably didn't even know that the car hit her...

Mrs.Z. arrived by then... screaming get the gate key...
So I ran to the house and snatched the key and ran back...
Mrs.Z. had hopped the fence and gotten Gypsy's body out of the middle of the road... and was sitting at the end of the drive...
We both had tears running down our faces...

We buried her...

Now Mrs.Z. left for the store...
And I'm sitting here...
Beating myself up for not finding her or getting to her sooner...

My eyes sting and my throat burns...
Busted my knuckles from punching the wall...

They could have at least stopped... and said sorry...
I was right there....

It's amazing how quick it happens...
I had just given Gypsy a bath last night and she'd slept curled up against me... next to Tio...
She'd been playing with Dryer Venti this morning...
Before she passed...

I feel so blank...

Shittttt...

What to say?
OR shall I say write.
I suppose write would be more politically correct.
Nothing's really been going on.
Except my weird shitty feelings I've been getting at night.

Made a giant Togepi on Minecraft.
It looks epic if I do say so myself.

I stared at this page for about 30 minutes trying to figure out what to write.
But I was getting nowhere with that.
So I'm just writing randomly what comes to mind.

I haven't listened to music since the day before yesterday... I need to..
It'd probably help me write, normally does.

Going to try and keep Liam up for a reeeeally long time, he's staying up to go to the shop or some such.
Waiting on Max to get back, he went to take a shower.
He needs to write a new blogpost.
Liam needs to start a blog.
And yeah...

Mrs.Z. is turning into a bigger neat-wanter than usual.
Since Thanksgiving is coming up, she wants the house ABSOLUTELY spotless.
Our elderly neighbor is apparently supposed to be joining us.
I do believe Mr.A. is getting back on the 19 I believe it was...He'll be home for a while I think.

I need to get out of here.
I need to get a job, last time I tried no one even called back.
What with this shit economy and the fact I live in a teeny-tiny area.
Maybe if I dress more slutty-ish when I go to get applications?!
Works for other bitches, eh? xD
Okay but no really, I need a job but I'm not going to be a slut about it.

I want tea, fuck you, Liam. =.=

GhostBusters is on! Omg I haven't seen this in like...........................Erm..................Let's just say years.
Because I don't actually remember.

Mr.A. might be here for like, 2 weeks?
I'm not sure..
I haven't gotten all the details about it.

LIKE HOLY SHIT.
GUESS WHAT?!
5 days till Skyrim comes out.
*freaking out*
Yes!
I want to get it... But I don't know if I'll be able to as soon as it comes out.
Just have to wait and see I guess.

I have no idea what to say now....
I'll have to figure out my thoughts sometime.

Sleeeeeeppp..

I stayed up reeeally late, and then passed out.
I actually slept really good.
Like it wasn't one of my usual light sleeps where a lot of shit wakes me up or I wake up still feeling tired when I do wake up.
I actually had a deep sleep.
No dreams that I recall, which is fine with me.

I feel kind of refreshed I guess.
But only thing is, I must've slept a bit wrong because my muscles were screaming at me when I got up.
Haven't ate yet, and I don't really think there's anything to eat...
Except maybee I could fix tunnnaaa.
Love tuna..

I'm thinking about starting another blog... like a Minecraft blog or something.
But I'm not sure..
I'm undecided.
But I'm undecided on a lot of things. >.>

I'll figure it out.

Aghhhh...

Well,

What's getting to me now?
Why do I feel this restless.... What else is it I feel?
Irritation, frustration, sadness, anger, unease... what is it exactly?

Why can't I figure it out?
Who knows, not like it really matters.
I doubt even if I knew the reason of why that it'd help.

Maybe it would, but I have my doubts.
But I guess I doubt a lot of things.
But I've got my reasons for doing so.

I've been through too much shit not to doubt something or someone.

I mean, really..

Fuck this, I'm going to go take a hot bath and try and relax...

Hi..

So, what's up?
I'm not sure...

How am I feeling?
Not sure about that either.
Why?
I've got no fucking clue.

OMG.
I was looking through my drafts and saw that I had this so I had to post it.
1.Because there's a turtle.
2.It says NOM NOM NOM.
3.And there's a Strawberry!
Random fact...
When I was like 2 apparently I called strawberries, stuberries.
:D

51 Posties and Counting?!?!@?!? LIKEOMGSUPERHYPERRAGE?!

Okay...
So "apparently" I'm hyper.
But, the thing is, I'm not hyper.
I'm like super-duper-ultimate-hyper-ness-ish...
It's time to tell my super-duper cool story about my adventure to the kitchen, that happened like, 20 minutes ago?!
OKAY?!
Okay.
Fuck this I'll start from the beginning!

So I wake up at like 7-7:30am.
Because Dryer Venti was attacking my hand for attention, so I woke up petting her.
And I petted her for like 30 minutes until she made me get up to open the window so she could go outside.
Evil bitch, making me get out of my nest of pillows.

Anyway, so Mrs.Z. was leaving today, like I said yesterday... or early, early this morning?
Whatever!

Yay for music!
I turned some on and it makes me even hyper-er-er-ish.

What was I saying?
Oh right...Leaving, Mrs.Z. blah blah.
So she left at likee, 9am?!
I stayed in bed the whole time, on my iPod, on MSN mobile, chatting and texting Paulness.
Then she said bye and left, so I got bored of lying in my nest of pillows since I wasn't sleeping.
So I got up.
And took Dilver outtt...
(She's my 18 year old Australian Shepered, she's been there since I was 3 and she was 3 years at the time. So we're like the same age, which is pretty epic, she's my best friend.
Always been there for me, and I'll go into major depression when she passes on, which she's getting really old and slowing down, so it makes me sad!)

I'm off topic, sorry@!?@?!
Okay, so....Erm.....
So I came and opened up my laptop, grabbed a bottle of water, and turned it on.
By pushing the on button, and the blue light was like.
TING, hello!
And my laptop started up, and I opened up MSN and and then Firefox, and I stared at Firefox... because I couldn't remember why I had opened it in the first place...
So I was annoying Liam on Msn and trying to remember why the fuck I had opened up Firefox when i said fuck it and just opened up Youtube-ness.

I keep getting sidetracked at the moment because Paul is telling me about a chicken in his room?!
Who the fuck wants a chicken in their room D:
I have chickens, well they're not my chickens...they're Mrs.Z.s'? Chickens?!?@
And I don't really like chickens, they're annoying little fuckers!
But bantams are cuteeee, especially when they're little chickies!

BUT ANYWAY....
I was just looking at Minecraft videos of coool shiiit, and listening to music, and then I got on Minecraft singleplayer and then I was upset!
Because it lags!
And I'm wondering when Minecraft 1.9 comes out.
Maybe I should start a minecraft blog, and just blog about Minecraft shit that happens.
On the server I plan on starting today?!?@?
It's just an idea..!

Anyway, where was I headed with this?!
I've been completely off track, well not really, I said I'd start from the beginning and I have been I just keep getting distracted.

I opened the curtains and got blinded by the fucking sun D:

There I go again.... <.<

Anyway, erm....
So my kitchen mishap adventure!
I was talking to Liam and Raden, and I was all like.
"OMG, RAMEN TIME!"
And since it was Msn I have these cool little emotes.
So I started dancing my way to the kitchen and saw Dryer Venti sitting on the couch. So I ran towards the couch, and pounced onto it next to her.
Scaring the shit out of her, but I petted her and made everything better. :D

So then I danced to the kitchen like I had been before and started my ramen and made my way back to my room.
And I was telling Liam and later on Paul when he got back from walking his dog or some such.
And then I heard the timer go off so I danced back to the kitchen and I went into the pantry and tried to get a box off the tip-pity-top shelf.

And something huge, like flew down at me and all I knew was it was dark and looked weird.
So I started spazzing out and doing a weird jig to get it off and then I realized it was a crumbled up leaf, and I didn't think it was very funny.
But everyone I mentioned it to laughed at me.
So I was like fuck them!

I got distracted again changing my Msn picture then raging because Liam couldn't see it then I went and changed it again and then he told me he could see it.
So I raged again and changed it back and the kitty just makes me laugh.
And it's like it's going SURPRISE :D!

I love kitties...<.<

Anyway, so it's still early-ish-mid day so there's no telling what's going to go on o.o

But anyway I want to mention this dude on Youtube, called Dj Ken.
Because he's cool and I like his music, and I think more people should check him out, I've been listening to him for a while.
So I'm going to post a link to his channel and or a song that I like?!

Just almost choked on my stupid Mtn Dew :l

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMoyvokm1hA&feature=related

That's to his song Rise, I just heard it today, but I like ittt. :D
And fuck getting the link for his channel, that's a lot of clicking, you can do it yourself by clicking on that link and then clicking on his name, which will take you to his Youtube-Channel-Ness.
It's easy, I swear!
xD

But yeah, I guess I'm done posting at the moment...
I just keep getting distracted!
So post more shit later?!?!

Restless and sleepless.

Obviously, my title says it all.
I can't sleep.
So I'm lying here, in the dark.
Other than my iPod touch. (Which is bright as hell in my dark room.)
My Halloween was a fail, and so was my post on Halloween.
But oh well, there's always next year...
Next year...
Fuck...
Where will I be next year I wonder?

My back's hurting...
I think tomorrow is going to be... Interesting is the word that will have to do.
Mrs.Z. Will be gone most of the day if not all day.
I can almost bet she'll bitch when she arrives back at home.
But I guess we'll wait and see.

I'm a bit tired now... But I still can't sleep..
Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me.
I'll just blame it all on insanity, because apparently you can get away with killing some guy. If you plead insanity and swear that when you were attacking that guy you thought he was a zombie....
So if you're going to kill someone, scream that they're a zombie.

Why is my fan so loud?!
I always have my ceiling fan on, I don't like still air.
But tonight it seems extra creaky...

Alright, back to trying to sleep and just succeeding at tossing and turning.