100th post? Psssh

So I know it's been a while, but I've been busy.
Sort of.

I've been doing a lot of sketching recently and Minecraft... but I haven't done a lot of writing lately, which is a shame.
I've had a lot of story ideas lately and I've been talking to someone about possibly starting a comic or some such, featuring some of my chibis.

But anyway, since I don't really have much to say for this post I thought I'd post some of my recent drawings.

Violet

So this is a sketch I did a few weeks back, I was trying to draw the main character of one of my many stories. Because I'd never drawn any of my characters before, so I thought she turned out nicely.

Starburst

This is one of my chibis, the chibi comic idea started with her. I think she looks spunky and adorable, she's one of my favorites. 

Lovers

This picture I drew a few days ago, it's definitely a favorite of mine. 
I've never drawn full body picture of a person, let alone people hugging. 
I raged over her hand for a few hours, erasing and redoing it probably around 3 million times. But I think for my first shot, it turned out great.

First dragon

This was my first try at drawing a dragon, I tried to go for a more graceful, female dragon. I suppose a water dragon.
But I haven't darkened the lines, or added any more detail yet.


So yeah, here's my sketches. 

Do you ever Wonder?

What is it like?
What is it like to not understand anything?
Do you ever wonder why death fascinates us so?
Why it scares others and others can’t wait for it?
Have you ever wondered if the ones who fear it are doomed and the ones who accept it aren’t?
What happens when you die?
That question has been asked a million times if not more, and the answer.
The answer is probably it’s different for everyone.

Could how you think determine what happens?

A lot of people say it will, say it all depends on how you treat others or act in life.
What if that’s only a small part of it? What if it’s not just how you act, but how you think?
If you think something bad is going to happen, it usually will.
So if you think you’re going to a place called hell, will you?
If you believe in a place where you’ll be happy, a place some people call heaven.
Will you end up there?
If you believe in having another life, will you have one?

What if you believe in nothing?
Is that what will happen to you?
You think there’s nothing once you’ve died.
So will that be it for you?
You think there’s nothing so you’ll get nothing?

Picture says it all.

So the past few days have been interesting, I suppose.
I've mostly been chilling out and I haven't done much writing. I know I should be writing, stories, posts and journal entries aren't going to write themselves.
But sometimes I just can't seem to push myself to write.
Especially when I'm busy with house work, neighbors, neighbor's kid's parties.
Parties that are coming up, being invited to a graduation party for the neighbor when he never even talks to me?
He just wants a fucking gift, what a prick..

But my mind has just been all over the place, I mean with my over-thinking everything some things that means shit is really out of whack and I've been thinking EVEN more.

I don't know, it's hard to keep it all in line so I can actually focus on things I want to focus on or need to focus on. So basically the only escape I get is blasting music and trying to block out everything.
Which normally doesn't happen or go well.

So fuck!

But yeah, too many things to do lately.
I'm not a super social-happy-butterfly.

The reason I'm getting invited to the neighbor's kid's party, is because of my sister and also because I'm amazing with kids and who doesn't need help at a 7 year old's party?
Especially since he and his brothers are completely crazy and out of control hooligans.

It's hard being so amazingly fantastic.

Anyway, I'm going skating tonight so I'll get to go feel sexy skating around to music and enjoying the black lights when they get turned on.
Then tomorrow I get to get attacked by children and play lifeguard.

Don't think I have any plans for Sunday, then I have to get ready for that party at my mother's friend's granddaughter's party thing.

Yippee.

I'm so fucking excited if you can't tell!

Then I get to get ready for that graduation thing, fucking awesome.

I think I want to go be a hermit, and just live by the sea and pretend to be a mermaid and hide if people see me.
Yeah, that seems like a good plan. 

May I Skip Giving This A Title?

Okay so… yesterday was really weird.
I shouldn’t drink two Red Bulls in one day when I’ve only had one meal. Too much Red Bull and not enough food is bad.
REALLY BAD.

You’d think I’d know that by now since I already had something kind of like that happen before, except it was much worse. But that’s a different story for later, maybe.

So today I’m being driven nuts by 17 day old kittens who are finally deciding their little box of cozy awesomeness, isn’t so awesome anymore. They’ve decided that walking around, mewing at the top of their lungs and trying to investigate everything is much better.
While for me, it’s a fluffy walking nightmare.

Having to make sure kittens don’t get lost, stepped on or get into shit they’re not supposed to, is fucking irritating! But at the same time, it’s fucking adorable and I love it.
So, I guess I don’t mind too much, but getting up a million times while trying to write or something does get tiresome after a while.
Why do they have to be so loud anyway?
But whatever, kittens will be kittens.

I am starving, it’s 12:01pm. I really need to get some lunch soon.

But anyway, I’m already stressing about the 27^th.
My mother’s friend’s granddaughter is having a party or some shit, and her grandmother absolutely fucking loves us, so we always get invited to their party things.
It was awkward last time, and that’s when I had the Red Bull freak out. Long story, like I said.

But her granddaughter does NOT like me, mostly because at the party they had gotten a waterslide and stuff for everybody to have fun with. Well, I just happened to look better in a bathing suit than she did, and her and her little slutty friends decided I was going to be the target of their snotty looks.
But I didn’t know anybody there except her grandmother, my mother and my sister. Oh and the grandmother’s husband.

So it kind of sucked that the only people to talk to were either older people who I don’t mind having conversations with, but they’d mostly like to drink beer or need to keep an eye on the kids.
And I always end up watching some kid or kids, because I’m fucking amazing with kids and since all the other young adults my age either suck with kids or don’t give a flying fuck I normally end up getting put up for the job.

I don’t mind I guess, gives me something to do. Since none of the guys will talk to me because they’re with the slutty bitches giving me dirty looks and I don’t talk to them because I have this issue of major shyness that I can’t seem to get around normally.

So the party wasn’t that great for me, and this party is going to have a waterslide again, and the same slutty bitches with the dirty looks too.
Doesn’t that sound like fun?
You think so?
Yeah me too… it’ll be fucking great.

Mwahaha....RedBull.

Because I am fucking AMAZING

So hi,
It's been a long fucking timeeeeeee....

I've just been going through a weird patch, but don't we all?
So all of a sudden I got home and MR.A. left today.
YAY!

And so, on the way home (two hour fucking drive, that sucks) I got a RedBull.
Now, I normally only have these every once in a blue moon.
So... we were about 40 minutes from home when I got it and so I'm drinking it, and about half way through the can.
This guy is next to us in a truck, and he looked really fucking familiar.
So I'm like, "Mom, does he look familiar?"
And all of a sudden my sister is screaming from the back of the truck, "OMG! That's Bradley."
My face was full of shock, horror and I couldn't stop fucking laughing for some reason.
So I'm going to blame that on the complete randomness of the situation and the RedBull that's currently fucking my mind over.
And blasting music for the first time since MR.A. left, isn't helping.
Especially since it's a bunch of music I like.
Now I'm a believer - Smash Mouth.
Green Day,
Blah...
Blah...
Blah...!

So anyway....
Bradley is my ex, and I hadn't seen him in ages.
Because we don't exactly communicate and haven't exactly tried to stay friends since he dumped me like a fucking pussy through a text message.
Although I was pretty happy about it since I was planning on ending it anyway, but I was waiting till I saw him, because I didn't want to be a bitch through a fucking TEXT MESSAGE.
But I was dancing around the house when it happened.

But again, anyway!

He happened to pull into the gas station that we did, a few miles before we got home.
And he walked over and was blabbering to my mother, my sister and I.
It was weird, he showed off his tattoos and blah blah, fascinating I know.

So I walked into the store with little sister and he happened to walk in right behind us after going by his truck.
So I held the door, because I don't slam doors in peoples' faces when they're just a few feet away.
YOU'RE A DICKHEAD IF YOU DO THAT.

But he said to me as he came in, "So you're following me now?" and he gave a chuckle.
And I replied, "You're the one who came in after ME."

And that was the end of that conversation, I got another RedBull which I have yet to drink.
It's sitting in the fridge and I keep thinking about it.
I'm undecided on whether I should go get it and down it, but yeah...

So then I got on to check Facebook, and of course he just happens to be on.
And he starts talking to me.
And he asked me if I had plans this weekend, and I freaked out a little bit and said, "Not that I know of, might go skating Friday. But no set plans as of yet."

And his spelling REALLY pisses me off, because he spells "I know" as "i no."

ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID, DUDE?!

Anyway............

So he wants me to go with him this weekend and watch him get a tattoo....
How fun does that sound?....

I think I'd probably go bored out of my mind, or be laughing evilly at his pain.

I'm fucked.
But it would be funny...

Hehe.

So.....
My mother thinks he's a fucking speed demon, because he was speeding a bit on the road, but you know...
She's never going to like any guy's driving, and what guy isn't a fucking speed demon?
Especially when they just got a new truck, I mean come on.

So anyway, lot of shit has happened, but I think I've babbled enough random shit for now.

Ciao.

Apparently a Mermaid

I got called a Mermaid today.

First time that's happened...
But I guess it's going to happen when I can't stop talking about how much I miss swimming.

Before we moved to where I live now, I used to swim every day.
For at least 5 hours if not more.
Sometimes I would swim from when the pool opened to when it closed.
(10:00am - 8:00pm)

So, if you cannot tell.
I love swimming.
Honestly, I love water in general.

When I swim, I feel amazingly relaxed and happy.
I've apparently always taken to water since I was younger.

I've heard countless stories involving water and myself.

I miss it so much!
There's no pool around that's close by, at least not that I've found yet.
And the lake is about 45 minutes away, and we don't go often.
We haven't gone this year and we only went 2-3 times last year.

Not. Enough. Swimming.

If I could I'd go swimming again every day, all day...
But alas...
For swimming,
You need water.

And I do not find it funny, when someone says to fill up the bathtub.
IT IS NOT THE SAME THING.

You can't swim in a bathtub.
Unless you're uber-rich and have a fuckton of money and can afford a really big bathtub.

I plan on making a dream pool one day, and I'll love it!
But it'll take a long time to find a place to put that pool and get money to build that pool.

Maybe I should just live by the sea.
But I don't enjoy hurricanes...
Maybe a lake, but normally lakes have a bunch of weirdos or rich folks around.
I don't enjoy either of those...

MAYBE...
I need to find myself a mystical secret lake with a waterfall.

Yeah.
I like that idea.

So until I get to go swimming I'll just continue to sadly think about swimming.

-Victoria

Learning to be Me

Why is it easier to write in a book that no one ever reads?
Because it’s easier to pretend you’re talking to someone than it is to actually spill out your soul to someone.
Talking about yourself, it’s a pain in the ass. Unless you’re one of those weird ass people who are obsessed with themselves and thinks everyone loves you, when instead they actually just get really fucking ticked off around you.
Explaining your thoughts, and feelings, it’s hard to open up and do that.
At least it is for me, I’ve been trying to learn how to just stop being an emotional wall.
People don’t understand why I am the way I am, and I can’t really explain it to them.

How do you explain something that they haven’t experienced or you’re not sure how to explain?
How can you tell them that you’re like this because of what others have done, so you learned how to protect yourself?
I’ve tried explaining before, and normally people just tell me the past is the past and that I need to stop worrying about people hurting me, or worrying about people being stupid.
They don’t understand.

Maybe that works for them, maybe they haven’t had a lot of people hurt them.
Forgive and forget they say, but some things you can’t forget and some things you can only partially forgive.
I guess I’m one of the people that will always remember, I’ve always been able to remember weird things or things I shouldn’t be able to remember I do.
Probably not a fantastic thing, but I can’t exactly help it.
I don’t automatically expect everyone to hurt me, be stupid, or just an ass.
But I can’t help be wary.
Let’s just say it’s a survival thing, because if I was always a bundle of joy expecting the best out of everyone, then I would’ve been crushed a long time ago.
Hell, maybe some of me was and that’s why I am who I am now.
But I don’t regret it, maybe some small parts.

At least it’s helping me become the person I’m hopefully supposed to be.
Maybe, just who I want to be.

-Victoria

Dear.Auto-Correct, please stop hating.

You know I find Auto-Corrections hilarious. (at least when it's happening to other people...)
When it happens to me it's just a slight annoyance, but when I see pictures of other peoples' mistakes, I wonder...

 I wonder how people let this kind of stuff happen?
I normally re-read my text before I send to make sure I've spelled everything correctly and such. (I don't like misspelling...)

So how do people miss that?!----->    




I can understand not having a compulsion need to check your spelling, but how do you not notice your phone decided to fuck you over with "douching" instead of "coughing."


I've seen so many photos of auto-correction failings, on lolphotos.net, damnlol.com, damnyouautocorrect.com
Blah...
Blah...
Blah...

But it makes me laugh... so does that make me a bad person at laughing at other peoples misfortune with the bitch known as auto-correct?

I think someone uses the world "anal" more than they use the word "nap"...

I don't think Amy minded that he was going to be 20 minutes hard late.



                                                 
                                        I'm still laughing.... haha!


So anyway!
This post was pretty much pointless...
I wanted to do something though.... so why not make myself laugh?!

Which I succeeded at doing, so go me.

What's a "family tree?"

You know, I just realized, I have a really funked up family situation tree thing.
(Okay, I didn't just realize that but it just really hit me all of a sudden how weird it really is..)

Ever since I was younger, really the only family I've known has been my mother, my sister and my father.
When I was younger everyone would always have big parties with aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. etc.
And I would wonder why I almost never saw any of my uncles, aunts, etc. etc.
Of course now that I'm older and I think back to all the times when I did see the rest of my family besides the fantastic four.
I realize most of the time they weren't very pleasant events.

We lived in TX since I was born (so born in raised in TX...mostly.)
Because when I was six, right after my sister was born, we moved to my father's hometown in North Carolina.
I of course was ecstatic about the move and seeing a new place, being six I had no idea that the drive to North Carolina would be so long and incredibly uneventful.
Besides seeing new cities, we mostly just drove down the highway/interstate so it wasn't an amazing drive.
The only thing that was actually memorable from that long ass drive is I remember seeing a glass pyramid thing. I'm not sure what state or city it was in but that's the only thing from that drive that's stuck with me through the years.
The glass was dark and was reflecting the sun and I was fascinated by it.

But once we got to North Carolina and got settled, (what happened once we got there is an interesting story for later maybe) but we met my father's mother and his youngest brother.
Now I've always been shy meeting new people and my Uncle for some reason terrified me.
And so did my grandmother.
I didn't get to know her that well because she and my mother didn't get along and she didn't get along very well with her own son, my father.

She also decided that since I looked just like my mother that I was just an annoyance, but my sister who was only a few months and had my father's blue eyes, was what my grandmother decided she'd focus her attention on when we ever went to see her.
I don't remember visiting my uncle very much and I never saw my mother's side of the family while we lived in North Carolina.
But the day before my 9th birthday we moved back to TX.

And we moved into the house next to my other uncle, the middle child.
(If you haven't figured it out yet, my father is the oldest of three children.)

He was my favorite uncle at the time since I hadn't really met any of my other family.
Then we got into contact with my mother's father.
(My mother's got a very complicated family story)

He and my step-grandmother we saw just a few times, until we really started going to the family gatherings. Where my mother's grandmother and her children and their children got together.
I've always felt out of place in those family meetings, yes people are nice but since I didn't grow up around them they act like I'm just a tolerated person normally.

My sister of course who's still quite young is loved by all, so through the years they've watched her grow up.
And me I just still didn't fit in with them.
There's a six year difference between my sister and I.

When I was younger I stopped getting my hopes up about family, because they don't really treat us like family.
They treat my mother quite well since she was with them some of the time through her life and now she's just an out going, crazy woman. So she pretty much fits in, and my sister is very out going to.
But with a lot of shit I've been through I'm normally not very out going.
So I guess it's my own fault that I'm reserved towards these people, but I can't help but wish they'd tried a little bit harder to get to know me.

But since I've gotten older I've realized that I'm never going to fit in with them.
They all dye their hair blonde and act like wannabe Barbies who act high and mighty.
My uncles are just weird.
So me being my I'll be who I want to be and not molding myself to fit their expectations, am the odd one out.
And honestly, I think I'm happy to stay that way.
I'd rather be loved for my crazy self than a fake bitch just trying to fit in.

Now I'd explain more about the half brothers and sister I apparently have, but I think this post is long enough...
Sooo....

-Victoria

Last Day of March

I'm not sure how I feel today.
Today didn't start off wonderfully so that might explain my blankyblankblankness.

I didn't sleep very well and got up at 4am because I was supposed to, but then I got to sleep in until 5:15am because no one else was up yet.
And I sure as hell wasn't going to wake anyone up if it meant I could try falling asleep again for a little while.

Anyway, I don't really want to talk about the farm work, or the auction... or the fact that Mr.A. is here...

I'm not really sure what I want to talk about, but I need to say something.
Even if it's just a bunch of random shit.

Because as the day has worn on, my moods just followed the sun... Steadily dropping.
Making me want to just sigh and curl up in bed, and stare at the ceiling.
But I doubt that would help my mood any...Which is why I shall not do that.
Yet.

On the subject of ceilings....
Why are they always white?
And covered in those weird ass paint blobby, things?
I always thought it looked stupid.

My friend Liam sent me a message over Skype today, saying he might be gone for a while.To figure things out and such.
He has terrible timing.

I really wanted to call him today... 
But I guess we've both been feeling rather shitty lately.
He just never talks about it.

Which is understandable, I know...

But honestly, I'm hoping he comes back soon...

This year feels different yet the same...
I really need things to change, but sometimes change happens slowly..
A few things have changed, teeny tiny things.

But they've changed nonetheless. 
So I guess I'll just have to continue seeing what happens and hope for the best.

So as March comes to an end, I wonder.

Will next month be any better?

Awe! So fucking cutee

It's Friday? Hell Nooo

So, today.. yesterday, the day before, the week before, month, year....
What the fuck is going on?
Shouldn't I be enjoying my life by now?
Honestly, come on.
I certainly don't want to be getting older but obviously I can't stop it.
But that doesn't mean I enjoy watching the days all blend together and watching the year fade and seeing a new one approach.
Birthdays are nice but at the same time can just go fuck off.

I'm waiting for when I can have some "Me" time and not always be taking care of someone else or someone else s' shit.
I'm already doing so much I'm trying to imagine what it's going to be like once I get a job and go to college.
I'll die.
Like literally I will just fall over and die from all the work.
Okay... So maybe I won't really dieee...
But close enough.

I mean I clean the house, I take care of the animals, take care of GB and make sure everything's alright.
Because she's a stubborn ass bitch who refuses to go to the doctors, etc. etc.
Then I'm taking care of little sister too, she's almost as big a bitch as GB.
Just wait till she hits the teen years...

We will all be fucked then.

I hardly have any time for writing and when I do make time I'm stumped on what I should write or I'm just tired and don't feel like writing...
Well normally I feel like writing I just don't know what to write.
So WHAT the fuck do I do?

I'm still stuck on story ideas and no one offers any good advice, I just need to find that story that gives me that flow.
But so far no luck.

Today's been up and down and has kind of sucked, it hasn't really seemed like a Friday.
I mean yeah a lot of Fridays haven't been great but I kind of need today to not be shit.
I decided to give myself the day off from cleaning the house, but I did have to feed the animals.
That's one thing that can't be skipped.

And I probably won't get very much sleep tonight because I'll more than likely be talking to Tristan.
Mr.Sandman pretty much says "fuck me" most of the time anyway.

So lately I've been feeling super duper weird, like weirder than I normally feel which is already weird, so I guess I'm just getting weirder...
People already can't handle me, how will they handle an even weirder me?!

I don't know, I think I need a vacation, away from family.
So I can collect myself and just relax.

Even after Monday and Tuesday the calendar says "WTF"

Writing Challenge

I'm not sure why, but for the past week or so I've been having some real writing issues.
I really want to write, but I just can't seem to figure out what.
Like I have so many things I want to write it's crazy, but when I try to write it I'm just stuck.
It's been driving me crazy.
And the only reasons of why I'm having such trouble is stress, family interruptions, having so much work to do around the house. etc.

But I don't know, I'm hoping to get past this "writers' block" and get all of what I want written.

I've been really tired, as always I'm having weird dreams and waking up continuously.
Which really sucks, but what can I do?

So I'm not looking forward to the 29th, that's when Mr.A. gets home and I get to act like a zombie maid.
Yay!

But whatever, I'll figure shit out eventually.

Lost

Feeling lost.
We all feel it, sometime in our lives.
Sometimes more than others.
The world is such a crazy place and sometimes you just stop.
Thinking about everything that's happened or is supposed to happen, should happen, might happen... The list goes on.
It's such an overwhelming feeling.

You can't be sure of anything so everything seems out of place, you aren't sure what you want to do. But so many things or people are making you feel like you have to do something.
Rushing you into things or away from things.
Sometimes you need to just get away from it, but how can you run from your own mind?
Pretending it's not there won't make it go away and it's definitely not going anywhere.
It gets harder to focus and thinking on something for too long is out of the question.
Or else the feelings just get worse...
But you can't stop yourself from thinking.

Trying to figure out what to do or what's coming is like trying to walk on water.
You just sputter and try and keep yourself afloat.
Honestly a rock to hold onto would be nice but sometimes you don't have that option...
So you get oh so tired of swimming.
But floating along is all you can do at the moment sometimes.

Thinking..
Wondering..
Waiting.

What's going to happen next and am I ready for it?

I wrote this because I get this feeling a lot, it never quite goes away.

Disturbing

Well, sleep is shit.My body proved that last night and or this morning.
Woke up a lot as usual, but when I got up in the morning.
Tears running down my face and basically worried shitless.

Had an awful dream about a friend of mine.
Not going into detail but it was very, very disturbing.
Still a bit worried about it and will be for a while, I guess..

Anyway, took more goats to the auction today but the auction isn't until tomorrow.
SOO...

GB is of course making me go with her, and I'm wondering how early we'll be leaving.

I'm not looking forward to the 40 minutes to an hour long drive.
Yippeee...

Also not looking forward to sitting in a room full of "creepy cowfolk." 
And listening to the auctioneer drone on and one in that annoying fast paced voice with the fuckton of speakers in the room making it a bajillion times louder.
I don't enjoy watching them parade the poor beasties through the little area for people to look at as the auctioneer rambles on and I stumble over what he's saying.

Doesn't that just sound like a good time?
Some of the cows and horses and goats look so hungry, nobody feeds their animals.
For sucks sake.

And other newssss...
I'm pretty sure I did something like pull a muscle in my shoulder, not too bad thankfully.
But it still makes it a chore when moving 100lbs. of feed a day to feed the goats and can't forget their hay.(This isn't including feeding all the other animals either...)

Now don't get me wrong, I love animals.
Always have and always will.

But it's a bit tiresome having to feed animals that bring you no enjoyment and that you didn't choose to take care of. But oh well, just have to deal with it for now.

I've been feeling quite weird the past few days and unsure of what to write lately.
I know I want to write a story I'm just not sure what I want to write..
I need some inspiration honestly.

So I'm just kind of...
Meh.

A Leaf, the most horrid of Things.

A leaf is the worst of evils apparently.
If one even touches the dear floors of GB.
She evolves into her ScarySecondSelf, that's completely crazy.

Yes she's already crazy, but her ScarySecondSelf, is even crazier!
I know that's hard to believe but it's true.
SO
ScarySecondSelf has been in a bad mood for weeks now, because of who-gives-a-fuck-why.
She spots the leaf and starts screaming in her bitchy tone.
"WHY ISN'T THIS PICKED UP?! YOU WALKED RIGHT BY IT!"

Now, I know leaves are nasty creatures, but are they that goddamn horrible?
I mean what the fuck did that leaf ever do to you?
What the fuck did I DO to get yelled at about it?!

I sure as hell didn't bring that leaf in to touch your wonderful floors!
It wasn't I that said, "Come on, Leaf! Let's piss GB off, now did I?!
I don't think soooo.

But alas, I get bitched at anyway.
So of course I stand in silence and go to that blank place that is safe and listen to you bitch and moan.
Then I continue cleaning YOUR kitchen, and watch as you walk back in with the food I'd fixed you, untouched and set upon the counter.
And do I say anything?
No, I do not.

Were you bitching about being hungry?
Yes you were.

But I don't say anything, fuck I don't even look at you.
I just do what I'm supposed to do.
And then you call me into your Royal quarters and you cry and ask me to forgive you.

Of course I do, because what else would I do...
When you should be my rock and the one that's understanding, our roles are switched and have been for a long time.

I try to deal with it but my patience is wearing thin.

MondaysReallySuck

Rain, rain and rain some MOOORE

If you didn't guess by the title, it's been raining.
Quite a bit.
For over a week or so now.
Today's forecast was....
Severe Thunderstorm warnings PLUS a Tornado WATCH?!

I love rain, but I don't like to be cold and wet.
Because...
Taking care of all the farm animals in the cold, wet rainy, gloomy weather, as nice as it seems...Isn't that fucking great.

Honestly, I love animals.
But I'm tired of taking care of animals that I DID NOT choose to have, just have to bide my time I guess.
But time sucks.
A lot.

I'm tired if you can't tell, which is weird...
Time changes always fuck me over though.

I mean last night I stayed up too late because I forgot about the time change and for some reason my laptop was a dickhead and didn't update it's timey time time.
So I didn't realize how late it was getting until I looked at the time on the phone and realized, I was fucking tired.
Because it was fucking late.
SO...
I went and laid down and passed out listening to a thunderstorm for the 3rd or so night.
And woke up to it raining kittens and puppies.
Looked at the clock and was amazed.
I slept waaay too long.

I mean I wake up a lot when I sleep, I don't sleep for that many hours without interruptions.
But alas!
That time I had, so I was all disoriented and groggy this morning.

But on a good note...
No preppy people fucked with me!

On another note...

Someone I don't feel like talking to is fucking with me and I feel like punching them in the face.

*sigh*

Really tired I think.
Will I try sleeping?
Probably not...

Do I need to get up early in the morning?
Yes, indeed I do.

Fuck mornings.
Especially Mondays!

Titles are for Noobs

So what have I been doing?

What it's only been....Less than a month by about 5 days that I posted.

Not only have I been busy and not sleeping well and having weird ass dreams where things try to kill me, but I've had writers block!
How shitty is that?

But oh well, I'm here now.

So I updated my "Stuff about Me" because frankly what I first had there was shit.
I can already tell I'll end up editing it again sometime, but that's not what we're on about.

What have I been doing lately?

I've been feeling like shit.
I can't tell if my body just decides that sleep is unimportant or maybe Mr.Sandman hates me.

Besides if either Mr.Sand or I should be hating at the moment it should be ME.
Not sleeping well is bad enough but then having shit dreams when you do sleep, that's like a completely dickish move.

So fuck you, Mr.Sandman.


Anyway....
If you can't tell not sleeping well has a slight moodyish effect on me, it kind of flips my bitch switch on. So I feel bad for the poor soul that decides to piss me off and I go all smart ass bitch ninja on his/her ass.

I haven't written in any of my "novels" in days now because I haven't known what to write and I've been so tired I just haven't really felt like writing.
At the moment I just feel like screaming or flinging myself into bed into my multitude of pillows and trying to sleep.
But I'm almost positive as soon as I get INTO bed that I will not be even the tinny tiniest bit tired.

Does this happen often?
Yes it does... I'll get into bed and be tired as hell and then I get comfortable and laid down and I'm wide awake and staring at the ceiling.
Go me.

Sooo anyway....
Fuck all for now, I'm hungry.

TimeToEat

Thinking too much? Who me? Naah.

Damn right.

Okay, so maybe I think too much...
Fine I do think too much, waaay too much.
I worry and over-think pretty much everything, and fuck me does it get annoying.

Sooo over the past weekend we went to my Aunt's (long, long ass drive) we left Saturday morning. Stayed until Monday.
Saw The Vow and The Grey.
Both were interestting movies...The Grey we saw first and it was a long movie. Longer than we all expected, some of the scenes made everyone jump but then we'd laugh at ourselves.
The ending was a bit disappointing, I think it could have ended a bit better but oh well, it wasn't my movie.
The Vow, it was a very sweet story, if you didn't know it was based on true events and all that so that made it all the sadder and sweeter.
Romance movies aren't really my thing though, I mean sometimes they're really good but then other times they just piss me off.
But that was one I didn't mind all too much.

But one thing I'm glad about The Vow was the fact that it got Mrs.B. seriously thinking about sending me to an Art Institute, so yay!
But........
The closest A.I. is about two hours away.
And the city is kind of dangerous, I mean what place isn't? But that place especially, I mean Houston is... a one of a kind place I suppose.
I'm sure I'll be fine, but like I said I think too much and worry too much.
So what am I doing?
Worrying and trying to over-analyze and think about every goddamn possibility, which is damn near impossible to do.
Obviously I'm trying to do it anyway, I just can't help it.

I need to relax butttttt...That's not happening.
I'm ready for shit to get going but I'm scared of things at the same time.
I'm not really scared to be on my own, but I am worried about failing.

Blah blah blah...On to something else.

I've been playing Skyrim a lot more, especially since Mr.A. has been gone.
I still love the graphics, the quests, I pretty much just love the game.
It was definitely worth the wait.
I haven't been playing Minecraft as much lately... I just haven't had any inspiration as to what I should do on the game.

I've been trying to get back into writing again, as you can see.

Haven't been sleeping well for a while now, I keep having odd dreams again but once I wake up they fade and then I'm not even really sure I had a dream.
But then I get glimpses and it becomes obvious that I did.
I wish I could remember them better though, the whole foggy faces and people either talking to me or trying to find me is kind of creepy.

I don't know... I just haven't really been sure what to do lately.
Besides chores I've just been trying to keep myself occupied.
I'm still working on the Anita Blake vampire hunter novels, I'm on book sixteen I believe.
I've slowed down on reading them because of Skyrim and sometimes I just need a break from reading or it just doesn't strike me as appealing at the time.

I just feel really weird lately...

Early Valentines makeup postshit for the weeks of nothing

Okay...
So it's been a while, obviously.
I haven't written in a long time.

I've missed it, I've been busy... I've written in my journal a bit and a few odds and ends.
But I haven't written here...

I've been playing midwife, delivering kiddies...(that's a long story which will have to come some other time.)

I've also been dealing with Mr.A. a lottttt.
Since he was here longer than usual, did I mention he was possibly going to be staying home again for weeks at a time?
No?
Possibly?
Well now you know, and it's terrible..
He's gone right now and has been for about I suppose a week or so?
Which is great for me because my stress levels are much lower now...

But I guess a lot of shit has been going on I just haven't written it down enough.
So I need to get myself back into that, especially since it helps me clear my mind.

Anyway, Happy Early Valentines.

I'll try to fill in the weeks past later.

Okay Jan.

So this month hasn't been off to the best start, and last month and the month before that have pretty much sucked!
Mr.A. is coming home this Sunday, which I am not looking forward to.
I found out from Mrs.Z. that he might actually be working from home now, how fucking great is that?
So I found out yesterday about the working from home-shit, and this morning I found out the whole he's coming this Sunday-shit.
I honestly don't like this, I really, really, really, really, really, really don't like this.
So I'm going to have to work on what I'm going to do and try to get everything going.

Like, I need to get my college shit figured out, I need to get a job and make moneys.
I need to get away from HIM.
Because I  don't like being around him, at all.
And I honestly need to get my life moving at a different pace where I'm at right now just isn't working for me, so I need to get shit moving.
I need to get my own place and get my own things figured out, I need to do this and that and this and that.
I just need to do a lot of shit and it's only the beginning, doing things will never end.
But you know, doing nothing just doesn't work.

I'm scared, nervous, anxious, but I'm also ready.
I know it's got to happen sooner or later... so sooner than later is probably best.
I'm worried about a lot of shit.
But Liam and I quote, "Worrying is like trying to solve an Algebra problem by chewing gum."

He makes everything sound soooo easy.
But he's right, I do need to not worry about so much shit.
But I've been worrying about things for so long it's just hard not to.

I guess it's a bad habit, actually it is a bad habit, which is driving me in-fucking-sane.
So I need to quit this bad habit, but it's hardddddd.
Writing helps a lot though, it clears my head and helps my think.
Straightens me out.

I've decided I need to listen to music a lot more, for a while I've just been listening every once in a while and when I actually do listen to music I feel better.
I don't know why I've been neglecting myself, I just get too caught up worrying about other people. (Mostly my bitchy family.)

I love my mom, she's the best, really.
But she drives me fucking crazy.

My sister.....Oi, she's a whole different story. But insane doesn't cut it.

Sooooo, I obviously need to get my ME time fixed.
I need to do the shit that makes me happy, I need to start coming first instead of second, third, fourth or whatever damn number I usually come in.

One thing I'm worried about and I won't stop worrying about is not being able to talk to Liam or Tristan as much, I mean come on. Who will I rant and rave and bitch to if I can't talk to them?
Sometimes writing just isn't as much fun as calling someone up and cussing like a little sailor about random shit or just people in general.

I also worry about not being able to write as much, but I'll make time for the shit I enjoy.

Soooo, I think this year is going to be really weird, really different but really interesting.

Let's just hope there's a lot of GOOD changes, because I'm tired of bad shit.

The whole worldddd.

People tell me I can’t be mad at the whole world,
That there’s things out there that I can’t be mad at.
Funny thing is they’re wrong.
I can be mad at the whole world, I can hold onto that anger.
At least then I know I’m not dead inside.
I might be broken but things are still working.

I’m still going even though things keep trying to push me down, I haven’t stayed down and said fuck it, I give up.
I’ve kept going.
The entire world can kiss my ass for all I care.
People might wonder why I’m pissed and that maybe it seems like I have no cause to be.
But I do, and those reasons will always stick.

Because sometimes “Forgive and Forget” just doesn’t work.
Some things cannot be forgotten and will never be forgiven.
Accepted but not forgiven.

So you just have to live with all the shit that’ll never go away.

The New Year

Well, it's another New Year.
Now a new year has never really been that big a deal for me or my family,
We don't throw a party or anything, it's basically just another day.

It's honestly been that way for almost any holiday, yeah a holiday is "fun" and only happens once a year.
But they aren't that special to me, it's just another day.
Maybe that's because my family mostly consist of myself, my sister, my mom and well I should say my dad.
But eh.
The rest of the family we hardly hear from, for years no one called, no letters.
But I don't really mind, I guess when you grow up that way it doesn't seem like that big a deal.
Maybe I'm just not a very big holiday person.

But anyway, this year is hopefully going to be different. I'm planning on getting my shit together so I can actually do some things.
I'm tired of being trapped so I'm going to have to un-trap myself.

I'm honestly not really looking forward to college, it's got to be done or so people keep telling me but I am not really looking forward to it.
I'm a shy, quiet, reserved kind of person.
Dealing with people isn't one of my favorite pass times...
I can do it, I'm polite and such, I just don't like to do it.
I feel, awkward about it?

A lot of people just tell me that I'm worrying too much and I just need to walk up to someone and be like "Hellooo!"
And all I can do is give them a look.
If they want to walk up to someone and just say hi and start off a conversation with a complete stranger then they can be my guest.

I'm working on not being as reserved but it's still difficult.
I'm just not an outgoing person, I either never learned how to be or that's just me.
We're all got our quirks, right?
I can be fun as hell, it just takes time to crack my shell.

So let's hope this year goes better than the past few, shall we?