Okay Jan.

So this month hasn't been off to the best start, and last month and the month before that have pretty much sucked!
Mr.A. is coming home this Sunday, which I am not looking forward to.
I found out from Mrs.Z. that he might actually be working from home now, how fucking great is that?
So I found out yesterday about the working from home-shit, and this morning I found out the whole he's coming this Sunday-shit.
I honestly don't like this, I really, really, really, really, really, really don't like this.
So I'm going to have to work on what I'm going to do and try to get everything going.

Like, I need to get my college shit figured out, I need to get a job and make moneys.
I need to get away from HIM.
Because I  don't like being around him, at all.
And I honestly need to get my life moving at a different pace where I'm at right now just isn't working for me, so I need to get shit moving.
I need to get my own place and get my own things figured out, I need to do this and that and this and that.
I just need to do a lot of shit and it's only the beginning, doing things will never end.
But you know, doing nothing just doesn't work.

I'm scared, nervous, anxious, but I'm also ready.
I know it's got to happen sooner or later... so sooner than later is probably best.
I'm worried about a lot of shit.
But Liam and I quote, "Worrying is like trying to solve an Algebra problem by chewing gum."

He makes everything sound soooo easy.
But he's right, I do need to not worry about so much shit.
But I've been worrying about things for so long it's just hard not to.

I guess it's a bad habit, actually it is a bad habit, which is driving me in-fucking-sane.
So I need to quit this bad habit, but it's hardddddd.
Writing helps a lot though, it clears my head and helps my think.
Straightens me out.

I've decided I need to listen to music a lot more, for a while I've just been listening every once in a while and when I actually do listen to music I feel better.
I don't know why I've been neglecting myself, I just get too caught up worrying about other people. (Mostly my bitchy family.)

I love my mom, she's the best, really.
But she drives me fucking crazy.

My sister.....Oi, she's a whole different story. But insane doesn't cut it.

Sooooo, I obviously need to get my ME time fixed.
I need to do the shit that makes me happy, I need to start coming first instead of second, third, fourth or whatever damn number I usually come in.

One thing I'm worried about and I won't stop worrying about is not being able to talk to Liam or Tristan as much, I mean come on. Who will I rant and rave and bitch to if I can't talk to them?
Sometimes writing just isn't as much fun as calling someone up and cussing like a little sailor about random shit or just people in general.

I also worry about not being able to write as much, but I'll make time for the shit I enjoy.

Soooo, I think this year is going to be really weird, really different but really interesting.

Let's just hope there's a lot of GOOD changes, because I'm tired of bad shit.

The whole worldddd.

People tell me I can’t be mad at the whole world,
That there’s things out there that I can’t be mad at.
Funny thing is they’re wrong.
I can be mad at the whole world, I can hold onto that anger.
At least then I know I’m not dead inside.
I might be broken but things are still working.

I’m still going even though things keep trying to push me down, I haven’t stayed down and said fuck it, I give up.
I’ve kept going.
The entire world can kiss my ass for all I care.
People might wonder why I’m pissed and that maybe it seems like I have no cause to be.
But I do, and those reasons will always stick.

Because sometimes “Forgive and Forget” just doesn’t work.
Some things cannot be forgotten and will never be forgiven.
Accepted but not forgiven.

So you just have to live with all the shit that’ll never go away.

The New Year

Well, it's another New Year.
Now a new year has never really been that big a deal for me or my family,
We don't throw a party or anything, it's basically just another day.

It's honestly been that way for almost any holiday, yeah a holiday is "fun" and only happens once a year.
But they aren't that special to me, it's just another day.
Maybe that's because my family mostly consist of myself, my sister, my mom and well I should say my dad.
But eh.
The rest of the family we hardly hear from, for years no one called, no letters.
But I don't really mind, I guess when you grow up that way it doesn't seem like that big a deal.
Maybe I'm just not a very big holiday person.

But anyway, this year is hopefully going to be different. I'm planning on getting my shit together so I can actually do some things.
I'm tired of being trapped so I'm going to have to un-trap myself.

I'm honestly not really looking forward to college, it's got to be done or so people keep telling me but I am not really looking forward to it.
I'm a shy, quiet, reserved kind of person.
Dealing with people isn't one of my favorite pass times...
I can do it, I'm polite and such, I just don't like to do it.
I feel, awkward about it?

A lot of people just tell me that I'm worrying too much and I just need to walk up to someone and be like "Hellooo!"
And all I can do is give them a look.
If they want to walk up to someone and just say hi and start off a conversation with a complete stranger then they can be my guest.

I'm working on not being as reserved but it's still difficult.
I'm just not an outgoing person, I either never learned how to be or that's just me.
We're all got our quirks, right?
I can be fun as hell, it just takes time to crack my shell.

So let's hope this year goes better than the past few, shall we?